Environment

AS temperatures fall, Britain’s soft and pathetic Southerners are turning up their thermostats.

FANTASTIC. Just what I needed. A full day’s deliveries to do in the face of heavy rain and 95mph winds from a storm named after my ex-girlfriend.

A WOMAN is so in love with autumn she has attempted to take it home and f**k it, concerned friends have confirmed.

THE rest of the UK has requested that today’s 33ºC heat in London be viewable on a livestream for their entertainment and pleasure.

TODAY is set to be one of the hottest June days on record. Consequently nobody can realistically task you with any of these...

BRITAIN is alive with happy families surreptitiously releasing beavers into the wild for kicks. Why have you joined the latest craze?

ED Miliband suspects you are all on board with his previously much-criticised sun-dimming technology now.

A MAN struggling with the heat has silently crept into a supermarket chiller cabinet and will remain there until next week.