CONCERNED about whether your recent trip to Londis to buy Monster was one in which you were mogging, maxxing, or both? We explain.
WAKING up with a hangover so intense its menacing presence is causing all the dogs within a mile's radius to bark incessantly, I look back at the week and one annual event in particular.
A MAN cannot understand what is happening as his latest bout of sexual intercourse extends into its tenth minute.
WE’VE all had a miserable birthday at some point, but it probably wasn’t as bad as Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor’s. Here are some unhappy ones that were great compared to his.
NOBODY does pageantry better than Britain. But there’s one bit of pomp and ceremony we’ve not indulged in for a while, and it would draw one hell of a crowd.
A CYCLIST used to weaving in and out of traffic has criticised cycle lanes for being too safe.
A GLOBAL shortage of memory chips driven by AI demand means many items will no longer be so freely available. Our tech expert explains why that’s fine.
ANDREW Mountbatten-Windsor is currently bemused to see patches of moisture appearing on his body, it has emerged.
BREWDOG is being sold, but its losses could make small investors’ shares worthless. Luckily the founders are still incredibly rich, so here they explain how to fail lucratively.
Politics
THE prime minister is limping from scandal to outrage to scandal, which has nothing to do with the right-wing media wanting him out. What will his next one be?
TOTTENHAM Hotspur and the United Kingdom are both entirely ungovernable and doing so only ruins the reputation of anyone who tries.
FRIENDS of Wes Streeting have realised he holds the belief he is universally popular and are debating how to disabuse him of this.
THE chance that the prime minister will end up in bed with the last-but-one prime minister after a night of drunken commiseration grows by the hour.
Society
THE Arctic blast sweeping parts of the UK could be hazardous, especially to your wanking. Here’s how to get yourself off safely in icy conditions.
A PUB’S diversifying clientele has separated into groupings of those who wear the same brands as the professionals and those who dress from Sports Direct.
THINK you know your history? Prepare to be shocked as you discover everything they taught you in school was a lie.
MARTYN Lewis has criticised the student loan system which leaves graduates with unpayable debts of £53,000. Was your time at uni worth such a hefty sum?
A MAN has discovered an open-minded, harmonious clarity which makes the world seem a wonderful place and all problems surmountable moment after ejaculating.
ROMAN treasures are not the only things found on the HS2 route. These rudimentary artefacts of the Midlands peoples have also been unearthed.
Lifestyle
STAG and hen dos are now a f**king nightmare for everyone involved, so baby showers were the logical next step.
THE government’s new Fuel Finder scheme will send drivers rushing about for cheaper petrol to save a breathtaking £40 a year. Here’s how to let it take over your life.
A 40-YEAR-OLD man has insisted that quitting his job, moving his stuff into storage and going travelling to find himself is definitely not a sign that his life has quietly derailed.
FINES for taking children on term-time holidays have hit a record high, so all the more reason to pretend it was a vital experience and not just arsing around somewhere hot. Try these excuses.
A MAN who has no time to himself due to his three children is jealous of victims of the male loneliness epidemic.
EVEN when idiot parents deign to give their child an ordinary name they cannot get it right, for there is no spellcheck in the registry office. The bearers of these are marked for life.
Relationships
BABE, I know you think romance is about candlelit dinners and poetry. But isn’t it also about giving each other gifts that are heartfelt and eternal?
TOMORROW is Valentine’s day, and you also need milk and kitchen roll. What does the afterthought of a card you slip into the basket say about your love?
TEENAGE daughter brought home a slouching yob with a leather jacket riding a 125cc scooter like it’s a Harley? Want to end their misbegotten relationship ASAP? Here’s how.
I LOVE you, I respect you and you are standing in the doorway with your arms crossed while I close browser windows. You are so much hotter than girls in porn and here’s why.
WHEN it comes to dating advice, we’ve hopefully moved on from platitudes like ‘plenty more fish in the sea’. But is the touchy-feely advice of the internet age any better? Of course not.
A GIRLFRIEND is confident her boyfriend will never cheat on her thanks to no woman finding him in any way attractive.
Science & Technology
HUMANITY has always known that, once a sentient AI was created, it would take over the world. But it never knew why, and nor did I until this stripping ban.
THE UK is to ban social media for anyone under 16 and anyone over 18, leaving a two-year window to make an absolute twat of yourself online.
FAKE images of undressed women are why technology exists, but are they better than an actual woman? Tech reviewer Tom Logan road-tested both.
THE latest item of the recent past disinterred and fetishised by Gen Z bellends is the enormous brick telephone of the 1980s.
NEW Year means nudification to Elon Musk’s deranged AI stripping women on social media. If you need to see ladies in bikinis, these are more dignified than using Grok.
Arts & Entertainment
AN academic specialising in the work of Emily Brontë revealed that fictional character Heathcliff should resemble ex-prime minister Rishi Sunak in both appearance and speech.
NOSTALGIA for the 90s is back again, but for every Wonderwall there’s a Mike Flowers Pops version of Wonderwall. These bands of the era are still going despite a surely ever-diminishing fanbase.
RIGHT-WING musicians are few and far between and universally twats. Coincidence, or could there be some mysterious causal connection? Let’s investigate.
CINEMAGOERS will soon discover that Wuthering Heights could be half as long with a nice happy ending if any character had basic common sense. Also true of these.
MARGOT Robbie has again worn a corset for the premiere of Wuthering Heights, a film where she will be clad throughout in the drab woollen rags typical of the period.
Celebrity
AN odd thing to emerge from the Epstein files is that Fergie seems to be constantly on the lookout for a man. Could you be that lucky guy? Let’s consider the pros and cons.
HALLE Berry is the latest celeb to say she won’t be sidelined because of her age, although it helps that she’s extremely attractive anyway. Here are some more heroic age-defiers.
PARENTS watching their children play in a under-14s game alongside fellow mum Madonna have described conversation as ‘excruciatingly uncomfortable’.
SARAH Ferguson needs stuff and is not afraid to repeatedly hassle anyone in a better position than her for help. Are you at risk of being her next target?
THE former Duchess of York has requested her nation reward her for all the money she took from Jeffery Epstein on false pretences.
Work
NIGEL Farage has appealed to morons this week by calling for an end to working from home. Here’s why it isn’t as bad as he fears.
ARE you unsure if your colleagues are genuinely sad to see you go? If you received any of these leaving presents, the answer is ‘no’.
A WOMAN has made up a feline scapegoat to blame for any personal noises or interruptions when in meetings with co-workers.
THOUGHT just being aware of mental health was enough? No. These are the uniquely detrimental generational challenges that you, as my employer, should be considering.
YOU’RE back in the office, and your colleagues are so consistently annoying it feels as if you’ve never been away. Here is the tiresome behaviour you can expect today.
A YEAR of simmering flirtation, suggestive Slack messages and provocatively reloaded printers spectacularly detonated last night at the Wexford Consulting Christmas event.
Alcohol
BRITAIN’S pubs are on the brink of collapse. You must do your bit to save them by drinking heavily during the day, and more.
BURNS Night is this Sunday, and if you’re thinking that provides a solid excuse to get smashed in January you’re half Scottish already. This is how to do it.
A MAN who has sworn off drinking this month has clarified that it only counts as drinking if it is in the pub, for God’s sake.
I WISH to make it clear that I do not hate pubs, in fact I am a huge fan of these places you like. How boring would life be without a lovely pint of Wife Beater and a game of ‘arrows’?
