JUST one hour into the Glastonbury festival, attendee Tom Booker has admitted it is ‘not for him’ with approximately 96 hours left to go.
WAKING with a hangover the size of Yorkshire, but mercifully not causing me to adopt a tiresome ‘bluff’ persona, I reflect on another tumultuous week in matters ecclesiastical.
HOW their dad was ever considered attractive by the opposite sex is beyond most people’s imaginations, it has emerged.
MY first time at Glastonbury has opened my eyes. I believe it offers a blueprint for a society that is more equal, free of prejudice, and your parents aren’t hassling you all the time.
THE crowd before the Pyramid Stage is in a frenzy. Then He strides on stage and they lose it. The whole attendance of Pilton Farm, chanting ‘Oh, Nigel Farage’…
BOGUS doctors are surprisingly common in the music industry. Here are some who may not even have completed the basic seven years of medical training.
A BAN on alcohol adverts is guaranteed to make the British public immediately stop drinking permanently, it is believed.
ORLANDO Bloom got new blood while Katy Perry was in space, and now they’re over, basically just like your mates Steve and Becky. Despite involving celebrities, these splits are relatable:
A WOMAN who has gone to the pub alone does not realise she has taken herself on a ‘solo date’, it has emerged.
Politics
FINALLY Starmer has bowed to public pressure and set up a national inquiry into grooming gangs. And from there, believes Martin Bishop, these actions are inevitable.
THE chancellor yesterday outlined a government spending spree of either £113bn, £300bn, or £4 trillion, depending on the strength of your loathing for her. Which are you?
THE government has pledged £14.2bn of its own money to build a new nuclear power plant. What happened to just getting Aldi or whoever to build them?
SICKENING Labour policies hurting ordinary pensioners are bad enough, but U-turning on them? That’s unforgivable. Keep your ire at the appropriate levels with this guide.
Society
THE nanny state’s latest idea? That its citizens are so helpless they need assistance even to die. Well, I can die perfectly well on my own, thank you very much.
THE British public has been invited to believe its police forces are so passionately opposed to racism in any form they willingly cover up crimes.
DADS are struggling with normal life after 24 hours of unbridled Father's Day self-indulgence.
THE UK’s least desirable towns and regions have a wealth of affordable housing just waiting for homeowners with low standards.
LONDON mayor Sadiq Khan has been knighted, prompting outrage from gammons. Since they’re utterly obsessed with him, here’s what to sadistically tell them…
Lifestyle
IT’S the Summer Solstice tomorrow, and celebrations will include every type of mystical bollocks from the Mother Goddess to fae folk. Here’s how to take a more practical, grounded approach.
AFTER receiving clothes that smell like a nuclear warhead went off in a detergent factory, Vinted buyers are wondering what their purchases are cleaned in.
TEENAGERS leaving secondary school have been plunged into the harsh reality of ten weeks off pissing about with their mates.
A SHORT afternoon nap will either refresh and recharge you in just 20 minutes or leave you in a stumbling daze for the rest of the day, it has emerged.
GOING on holiday? Cunningly preparing your house so burglars will believe it’s occupied and go home with swag bags empty? They’ll never expect this.
Sport
BOOING our own player? Who’s just won the league? Of course we did. And anyone who criticises that doesn’t understand he’s made all Liverpool fans look right dicks.
A 63-YEAR-OLD man has explained to his grandchildren that once, Liverpool were just as successful and twatty about it as Manchester City are today.
COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.
FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.
Science & Technology
TOKEN gifts for fathers were so easy in times gone by, when a Simpsons tie did the job perfunctorily enough for no messy emotions to be bared on either side. These were adequate.
ELON Musk has turned to his AI chatbot for advice on how to reverse his fortunes, it has emerged.
SEVEN-and-a-half million Britons will be trained in AI by 2030. Your workplace AI course leads you to question the value of this, because here’s what you learned.
GROWING up pre-internet provided a wealth of opportunities to aggravate your family and community that technology has snatched away.
WE have all seen him, admired him and wondered what it takes to become him: the tit buzzing his budget drone around a public park. Follow these rules.
NIGEL Farage has announced that Reform UK is now accepting bitcoin in an attempt to grab the youth weed dealer vote. How much will you be donating?
Arts & Entertainment
NEW film 28 Years Later follows the zombies from the original 2001 film meeting for the first time in almost three decades to discuss how they are all getting on.
YOU live in a small town of no real note and yet someone has decided you deserve your own music festival. These are the only headliners you can get.
CLUTCHING your pearls at Sabrina Carpenter’s new album cover? Grow up and look at some proper smut with these alternatives.
AN acclaimed new album by Pulp focuses on the age-appropriate subject of erectile dysfunction for nine of its 11 tracks.
LADY Gaga and Pulp are both rumoured to be performing surprise Glastonbury sets. But the anguish of the audience if these artists strode onstage instead would be a joy.
Business
POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.
A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.
Work
THE key office skillset is not implementing core competencies or working the printer. It’s persuading twats to piss off back to their twat desks with twat bobbleheads on.
A TEENAGER bragging that he is basically being paid to check out some cool bands is about to enter his own personal hell.
A TEACHER recognised by his pupils as ‘cool’ is actually a 28-year-old man desperate to be popular with children, it has emerged.
A MAN has brightened after realising that, despite his having masturbated already today, a second go is a distinct possibility.
EVEN the stupid need jobs, and they’re prepared to overlook the long-term consequences entirely if offered enough. Hence these employment opportunities:
Alcohol
BRITISH drinkers have agreed both Samuel Smith and Wetherspoons pubs are freakshows with an alcohol license but the former has the edge.
A MAN has arrived at his office prompt and early on Monday morning to be informed of what took place late and intoxicated on Friday evening.
JEREMY Clarkson’s new ‘100 per cent British’ pub has dared play American music, but the British love of the pub has always been based on myths.
A MAN who does not have a single coherent memory of a music festival he spent the weekend at firmly believes he had the time of his life.
KEIR Starmer is allowing pubs to stay open two hours later tonight to celebrate VE Day. Here’s how to show your respect for those who experienced the war by drinking more.
A MAN has looked at the power cut across Spain, considered his options, and decided that in similar circumstances in the UK he would get pissed.
