Six duvet days in a row, and other radical self-care steps that take the piss

CARING for your well-being is important and even more than that, employers cannot stop you. Make a mockery of mental health with these.

Did you invest in crypto because an influencer told you to, you total bellend?

DID you put thousands of pounds into cryptocurrencies you had never previously heard of because a man on YouTube told you to, you absolute knobhead?

The seven most infuriating types of climate change denier, ranked

CLIMATE change? No such thing, according to this bunch of contrarian knobheads confident they know best. Here they are, ranked.

Snow a lot less f**king wet in the movies
THE snow that provides a joyful backdrop to play-fights and declarations of true love in films appears to be a lot less wet, Britain has noticed.
Farmers' protest led by most inherently unsympathetic figurehead possible

YESTERDAY’S inheritance tax protest by farmers was led by a multi-millionaire who has spent the last two decades pissing off everyone he can.

'How did you get that scar?': A guide for bullshitters

TRYING to impress a woman? Has she noticed a minor scar on your otherwise, you believe, unblemished body? These lies should get her into bed.

Man blames erectile dysfunction on 20mph speed limit

A MAN has told his wife he can no longer sustain an erection because of a prolonged period of driving below 20mph.

Dune: Prophecy, and six other prequels that prove all prequels are shite

DUNE: Prophecy is the latest prequel to an interesting story which proves all prequels to be leaden and unnecessary. These are why the genre should die:

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Politics

Bad Enoch, Tony B. Liar, and other political nicknames so cringey they could convince you to switch sides

KEEP seeing people using 'hilarious' nicknames for politicians that are actually just painfully lame? Here is a selection of the worst.

Trump administration to give Farage his own kennel

DONALD Trump’s transition team has already secured a kennel and water bowl for Nigel Farage to use when he visits America.

Will he be president forever now? Your worst fears about Trump, questioned and confirmed

THE prospect of a second Trump presidency poses lots of terrifying questions. Here are your worst fears analysed and confirmed.

Seven things Trump claims he will do as president and what he will actually do

DONALD Trump has promised his supporters a raft of new policies when taking office. Here’s what he’ll do instead.

Witty signs and polite chanting: the agenda for a liberal Capitol insurrection

MOVE aside, gun-toting, flag-waving, antler-wearing rioters, lefties can be just as angry and ready to reclaim the election by force. Well, by asking nicely. Here's how.

'Me next,' says Boris

FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson believes Trump’s stunning victory proves that his own political comeback is now inevitable.

Woman finds last year's seasonal depression in winter coat
A WOMAN slipping into her winter parka for the first time since March has discovered the seasonal melancholy she left in it and has been without ever since.

Society

Why the new presenter of Match of the Day, the head of the Anglican Church and the next James Bond must all be women

THE shortlists are being made for three of the top posts in England. And once again, we see a numbing litany of unqualified men.

The Le Creuset sale, and other middle-class riots waiting to happen

POLICE were called to a Le Creuset warehouse sale at the weekend as owners of Cockapoos threatened to turn tastefully ugly. These are the other riots waiting to happen.

Dogs hate Bonfire Night because they are Guy Fawkes loyalists

DOGS who shake their way through every November 5th are not afraid of fireworks but moved by a deep sense of injustice for the executed gunpowder plotters, it has emerged.

'I'm a virgin who lives with his parents so I'm better off': Winners and losers in yesterday's Budget

DEPENDING on how badly your life is going, yesterday’s Budget will affect you differently. Here are the winners and losers of Rachel Reeves’ decision to tax and spend.

Is Poppy Day disrespect starting too early nowadays? By Roy Hobbs

DON’T get me wrong, I love having some Poppy Day disrespect to moan about. But it’s getting earlier every year, and it doesn’t feel right calling someone a traitor in October.

Your guide to not letting World War III affect your Christmas plans
COULD Ukraine firing British missiles deep into Russia escalate the conflict to a third world war? Here's how to not let global thermonuclear conflict spoil a magical Christmas.

Lifestyle

Teen worried that ear piercing makes him look a bit straight

A TEENAGER is anxious that his ear piercing gives the impression he is attracted to the opposite sex.

Dark evenings provide perfect opportunity to judge other people's living rooms

THE greatest benefit of darker nights is the chance to see into the crappy front rooms of other people and judge them.

Riding the whole Central Line: the ten most dogshit things to do in London

PLANNING a trip to the big smoke? Want that authentically wretched London experience the residents keep for themselves? Try these ten must-miss activities.

£9,535 a year to doss around and get pissed still pretty good value for money

NINE and a half grand to spend a year hanging out with your mates in the prime of your youth is still a good deal, students have been told.

Twats convinced everyone will love their f**king massive garden fireworks show

A DICKISH couple are certain people from miles around will gratefully gaze at the huge free fireworks display they are putting on.

Pointless bed showroom won't let you f**k on the mattresses

AN uptight bed showroom is stupidly not letting customers find out how good the mattresses are for shagging on.

Sport

Gary Lineker's reign of terror to end

LIBERAL despot Gary Lineker, who has cruelly ruled Britain from his throne of football lies for decades, has announced he is to step down.

'Germans and English the same anyway' says Tuchel

THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.

Tuchel accepts his career as a successful football manager is over

THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.

We ask you: why are England managers too afraid to field an all-striker eleven?

ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?

A confused millennial tries to…chat up a woman in real life
THANKS to 5G and Facetune, approaching potential romantic partners is easier than ever. On the internet. Anywhere else is inappropriate.

Science & Technology

'Thank you for being you' means he's ejaculated: your Reply Guy's messages, decrypted

YOUR online Reply Guy, faithfully leaving a comment under every Instagram post, is always there for you. But what do his messages really mean?

Internet definitely to blame for this but nobody sure quite how

THE re-election of Trump is definitely the internet’s fault in a way that has yet to be specified, everyone has agreed.

Loving text from dad obviously a scam

A WARM, loving message from a father is clearly a scam designed to trick his son out of money.

Congratulate LinkedIn on its new role interfering in US elections!

THE business-focused social media network LinkedIn has just begun an exciting new role rigging presidential elections in the United States. Click here to add your congratulations!

Spunk prices up

THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.

Nine new films that aren't as good as watching The Matrix again
HOLLYWOOD has stubbornly continued to make films even though it peaked 25 years ago. None of these recent releases can compare to a rewatch of a 1999 cyberpunk classic.

Arts & Entertainment

Bananarama are old now: How to explain Band Aid without weeping

DO They Know It’s Christmas? is being rereleased with modern artists like Harry Styles added in. It could be a traumatic trip down Memory Lane if you’re middle-aged, so brace yourself for the following…  

Thief Takers, Bonekickers, Grafters: Stupid names for jobs that TV thought were cool

CALLING a show ‘Police Officers’ would be dull. So TV works hard to find alternative, cooler titles for pumping out the same old crap and ends up here.

Six movies retrospectively ruined by Donald Trump cameos

PRESIDENT Trump not only believes himself a politician but an asset to the silver screen. Avoid watching any of these unless you want an unexpected jump-scare.

Napalm Death, and five other bands who will never be immortalised with a West End musical

ABBA, Queen and Frankie Valli have been successfully interpreted for the stage, so why not these classic acts? Don’t families deserve to see them?

Seven songs that are f**king awful tributes to deceased people

LIAM Payne’s track Do No Wrong is being released uncomfortably soon after his death. But it’s not the first questionable musical tribute to a deceased individual.

Stop warning us about snow in Britain when you mean Scotland, forecasters told
METEOROLOGISTS causing unnecessary panic by warning of snow in Britain when they mean Scotland and possibly Cumbria have been told to cut it out.

Business

Tories who hate government and love business asked why they don't do business then

CONSERVATIVE politicians who disdain government and adore business have been advised they could, instead of running for government, run a business.

How you've ended up subsidising water companies to pass profits to their twat shareholders: a user's guide

WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.

Unless we get everything we want we'll all leave tomorrow, warn businessmen, investors, landlords and other Tories

A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.

How to fall for a banking scam: your quick and easy guide

ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.

Gentrified area upset specialist cheese shop they never use is closing down

RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.

Paint over the smoke alarms: the landlord's guide to interior design

TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.

Mullet official non-binary haircut
GEN Z has confirmed the mullet is the official hairstyle of anyone who wishes to announce they stand outside of the gender binary.

Work

Homeworker only in office for the biscuits

A HOMEWORKER has begun to come into the office every Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday purely for its selection of biscuits, colleagues believe.

Pretend you've never heard of Microsoft Word: how to get out of work tasks, fast

ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.

Man takes massive pay cut for dream job that's still better paid than yours

A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.  

Colleague massively overestimating emotional impact of her leaving

A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.

Ten iconic Premier League managers ranked by what bastards they'd be as father-in-laws
THE storied history of the Premier League is rich with legendary managers, and Christian Gross. But which would you least look forward to seeing every other Christmas?

Alcohol

Cartoons of foxes in waistcoats, and other features of truly characterless gastropubs

SOULLESS pubs feigning a long rustic history always pull the same interior design crap based around the same few bollocks items.

Connoisseurs of super-strength lager disappointed by Budget

APPRECIATORS of super-strength lager's complex flavours feel they have been ignored in Rachel Reeves’ budget. 

Mate refuses to buy round unless it's in Wetherspoons

A MAN is not tight or anything, he just thinks it is daft to spend a fiver on a pint.

Craft beer 'not being made by authentic wankers'

MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.

Your astrological week ahead for November 16th, with Psychic Bob
They mocked John Harvey Kellogg for inventing corn flakes as an anti-masturbation suppressant, but you rarely see someone have a wank whilst they’re eating them.