The five stages of Trump grief, for British people

FEELING impotent, sad and powerless is normal for Britons, but nonetheless it hurts to see American voters elect a convict and aspiring dictator. This is what you’ll go through.

'Arguments are a sign of a healthy relationship' says total nightmare couple

A COUPLE who regularly scream insults into each others faces at point-blank range are adamant that it only makes their relationship stronger.

'Me next,' says Boris
FORMER prime minister Boris Johnson believes Trump’s stunning victory proves that his own political comeback is now inevitable.
Trump urges caution as election may have been rigged

PILLAR of democratic integrity Donald Trump has urged his supporters not to get carried away until the veracity of his election has been investigated.

Laughs ahoy as America re-elects popular comedy president

THE world is preparing for a fun-filled four years after the US re-elected the rollicking slapstick clown who proved so hilarious last time.

Hospital beds, and other places where you could once happily spark up a fag

SMOKING will soon be banned outside hospitals when within living memory it was every Englishman’s right to have an NHS ashtray. And it was fine in all these locations.

Inside the mind of a British Trump supporter

THEY are here among us, frustrated they cannot cast their vote to make America great again because they are citizens of a different country. Look inside their minds.

£9,535 a year to doss around and get pissed still pretty good value for money

NINE and a half grand to spend a year hanging out with your mates in the prime of your youth is still a good deal, students have been told.

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Politics

Little girls everywhere inspired by cutting draught duty by 1.7 per cent

YOUNG girls up and down the country have been inspired by first female chancellor Rachel Reeves slashing the price of a pint by 1p.

We ask you: Do you have no f**king clue if you're better off after the budget?

RACHEL Reeves has delivered a tax-raising budget with notable concessions. But are you still confused as to whether you’ll have more cash for alcohol and trainers and whatnot?

Reeves to soften the blow by peppering the Budget with gags

RACHEL Reeves will take the edge off the Budget by delivering it with edgy quips in the style of an American awards show host.

Napalm Death, and five other bands who will never be immortalised with a West End musical
ABBA, Queen and Frankie Valli have been successfully interpreted for the stage, so why not these classic acts? Don’t families deserve to see them?

Society

'I'm a virgin who lives with his parents so I'm better off': Winners and losers in yesterday's Budget

DEPENDING on how badly your life is going, yesterday’s Budget will affect you differently. Here are the winners and losers of Rachel Reeves’ decision to tax and spend.

Is Poppy Day disrespect starting too early nowadays? By Roy Hobbs

DON’T get me wrong, I love having some Poppy Day disrespect to moan about. But it’s getting earlier every year, and it doesn’t feel right calling someone a traitor in October.

New Asian colleague on works curry night expected to be a sodding expert

AN Asian man out for a curry with his new office colleagues has been quizzed about Indian food as if he somehow has an innate knowledge of it.

Middle-class couple give newborn daughter name of withered Edwardian schoolmistress

A PAIR of moneyed new parents have given their beautiful, hours-old daughter a name best suited to a sour schoolmarm who lived a hundred years ago.  

We ask you: can landlords honestly be said to work as people?

Labour have been criticised for saying landlords cannot be viewed to be working as human beings. What do you think?

Dogs hate Bonfire Night because they are Guy Fawkes loyalists
DOGS who shake their way through every November 5th are not afraid of fireworks but moved by a deep sense of injustice for the executed gunpowder plotters, it has emerged.

Lifestyle

Pointless bed showroom won't let you f**k on the mattresses

AN uptight bed showroom is stupidly not letting customers find out how good the mattresses are for shagging on.

The Halloween costumes you can't make slutty

HALLOWEEN is a time for ghosts, ghouls and women who want an excuse to wear revealing costumes. If you’re going to regret dressing as a slutty witch here are some outfits which are hard to sexualise.

Villages’ quirky Halloween celebrations also involve human sacrifice

RURAL villages that mark Halloween with funny old-fashioned ceremonies always kill someone at the end, it has emerged.

Couple romantically stab giant orange gourd together

A COUPLE seeking a romantic autumnal activity have chosen to mutually hack apart a huge, slimy squash.

Pickup from an Amazon locker: Seven times men pretend they they're in a heist movie

LIFE is dull. Inject the seedy glamour of organised crime into your day by turning mundane activities into Hollywood fantasies.

Are you overthinking enough? A quiz

ARE needless thoughts racing through your head 24/7 or could your anxious brain be doing more? Find out with this quiz.

Sport

'Germans and English the same anyway' says Tuchel

THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.

Tuchel accepts his career as a successful football manager is over

THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.

We ask you: why are England managers too afraid to field an all-striker eleven?

ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?

We ask you: should we just give a random man called Lee the England job?

NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?

What your O-face says about you, by the Mash sex columnist
FEW of us have a high opinion of our own features at the best of times. When locked in a rictus of orgasm, contorted with explosive bliss, it’s worse.

Science & Technology

Congratulate LinkedIn on its new role interfering in US elections!

THE business-focused social media network LinkedIn has just begun an exciting new role rigging presidential elections in the United States. Click here to add your congratulations!

Spunk prices up

THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.

'Did you mean something completely different that’s more profitable for me to find?' asks Google

GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.

The toilet, and five other places smartphones can never be banned

BANNING mobile phones in schools makes sense because why should they have fun? But in these sacred spaces devices should always be allowed.

Tories who hate government and love business asked why they don't do business then
CONSERVATIVE politicians who disdain government and adore business have been advised they could, instead of running for government, run a business.

Arts & Entertainment

Seven songs that are f**king awful tributes to deceased people

LIAM Payne’s track Do No Wrong is being released uncomfortably soon after his death. But it’s not the first questionable musical tribute to a deceased individual.

Let's all pretend we want new Kate Bush music

MUSIC fans around the world are joining in the fun pretence that they would love to hear a new album by Kate Bush.

Robert Jenrick, and other famous people who should never write a children's book

KEIRA Knightley has written a children’s book, based on no literary merit other than being in Pride & Prejudice. Here are some more famous people who really shouldn’t bother either.

AI trained on Radiohead can only do two good albums

AN artificial intelligence trained on Radiohead’s music can produced precisely two good albums before dissolving into an electronic morass, researchers have found.

Ronnie Wood, and other musicians hoping you're thick enough to buy their paintings

YOU bought their records, and now they want you to buy appalling artwork which proves their talent is solely musical. None of these would be hung on merit.

Six Hollywood productions about ugly misfits that cast exclusively hot actors

THERE is ugliness in Hollywood, but only on the inside. Which is why the casting directors of these had to cast tanned and toned actors with glowing veneers.

We get just as excited for your by-elections, America tells UK
US voters has told their British counterparts that by-elections in Wellingborough hold their rapt attention just as much as presidential elections fascinate the UK.

Business

How you've ended up subsidising water companies to pass profits to their twat shareholders: a user's guide

WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.

Unless we get everything we want we'll all leave tomorrow, warn businessmen, investors, landlords and other Tories

A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.

How to fall for a banking scam: your quick and easy guide

ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.

Gentrified area upset specialist cheese shop they never use is closing down

RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.

Paint over the smoke alarms: the landlord's guide to interior design

TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.

Man and woman who keep seeing each other on dating apps judging each other for it
A SINGLE man and single woman who keep seeing each other’s faces pop up on dating apps both find the other pathetic for still being there.

Work

Man takes massive pay cut for dream job that's still better paid than yours

A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.  

Colleague massively overestimating emotional impact of her leaving

A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.

Boss asking 'Where do you see yourself in five years?' hoping to hear 'doing more work for less money'

A BOSS is hoping that his employee’s five year plan aligns with his own vision of an increased workload for decreased compensation.

'Bring Your 14-Year-Old Daughter and her Bitchy Mates to Work Day' a disaster

A BUSINESS is rethinking its morale-boosting strategy of asking staff to bring children to work after a group of teenage girls tore them to shreds.

Pretend you've never heard of Microsoft Word: how to get out of work tasks, fast
ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques.

Alcohol

Craft beer 'not being made by authentic wankers'

MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.

Pub closing, but colleague knows cool bar 45 minutes walk away on narrowboat behind abandoned warehouse

A GROUP of work colleagues have been assured by a co-worker that they can continue their drinking at a great bar situated a mere 45 minute walk away.

Middle-class dinner parties indulge in craze for premium strength lager

A NEW range of boutique 12 per cent lagers are the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals at upscale dinner parties.

What you're terrified you did while drinking last night vs what you actually did

MORNING! Oh God, what did you do? How did unwinding with three bottles of wine lead to this? What is your pickled brain claiming happened and did it?

Non-drinker mortified at all the mundane things he said last night

A MAN who absolutely underdid it on the pints has woken up mortified at the not even slightly embarrassing things he said the night before.

'I ate a squirrel and it was beautiful' says Trump to wild moronic cheers
A BEFUDDLED and deranged Donald Trump has told a rally he ate the most beautiful pet squirrel and been cheered to the rafters for it.