BBC launches inquiry into what working-class people like

THE BBC, having sewn up middle-class viewership with The Celebrity Traitors, is to launch a multi-million pound investigation into the tastes of the poor.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… maybe learn to wear a pair of jeans properly before becoming an MP, Jezza?

WAKING with a hangover so intense that for a few hours I grow an extra head that keeps tediously vowing to never drink again, I take on copious liquids and reflect on the past week. 

Man destroys sexy mood by saying he's horny

A MAN has ruined an atmosphere of growing sexual tension by saying he feels 'horny', it has emerged.

Carcinogens ranked, from cigarettes to talcum powder
EVERYTHING in the world gives you cancer, even reading this sentence. So it’s time for an honest assessment about what’s worth it and what isn’t. Here’s the ranking.
Penis size displayed on windscreen: Six other punitive measures for SUV drivers

CARDIFF plans to charge SUV drivers more to park, an idea that may be adopted elsewhere. But given the annoyance value of these vehicles, harsher measures are in order. Like these.

Why can't the left accept Prince Andrew is allowed to have sex with whoever he wants at any time?

IN the olden days they called it droit du seigneur. It’s still on the statute books. Put simply, it means any Royal has the right to have sex with anyone he desires at all times.

Vermouth and Vimto: Five cocktails to make when you're hammered and you've drunk all the good stuff

HOME from the pub but don’t want the party to end yet? Behold, five questionable mixers you can make without nipping back out to the corner shop.

Old men in pub do not need words to express their love

TWO old men sitting in a pub in silence have explained that their personal bond is so strong it is unnecessary to ever have a conversation.

They need to dump their side chicks, and other reasons men want to take relationships slow

MEN getting into a new relationship often want to take things slow, but why? Find out with this depressingly honest guide.

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Politics

Why aren't more Birmingham residents wearing whiteface? asks Robert Jenrick

I WENT walking around Handsworth in Birmingham the other week. And do you know what? Not one of its many residents made me more comfortable by ‘whiting up’.

Uppers down, downers up, report drug dealers at Tory conference

DEALERS at the Conservative Party conference are struggling to move cocaine but cannot keep opioids in stock, they have confirmed.

We ask you: who are you blowing at the Conservative Party conference next week?

THE Conservative conference begins tomorrow, and you need retrospective planning permission for an illegal caravan park. Who are you blowing to get this done?

During a date you're bored with, and other great times to say you support Reform

DO people keep arguing with you whenever you say you support Reform UK? Use it to your advantage by revealing your political allegiance in these challenging situations.

Spoiler alert: Mone to get away with it
LOOK away if you do not want to ruin the outcome, but Tory peer Michelle Mone will pay back none of the £122m she ripped Britain off for and will face no consequences.

Society

Teaching Marxism to eight-year-olds: A primary teacher explains how

HELLO, I’m Miss Traherne. I’ve written it on the whiteboard for you. Today we’ll be learning about the inevitable downfall of the ruling class, like Mr Farage says.

New financial crisis that is not your fault but will ruin you on way

EXPERTS have warned that a new financial crisis which you did nothing to contribute to but will f**k you right up is coming, so bad luck.

Hot girls with rich dads do it, and other reasons to take an English Literature degree

KEMI Badenoch wants to curb English degrees due to their ‘poor graduate outcomes’. But she should realise there are many excellent reasons to do them. Like these.

Nobel Prize winner to spend money on pimped-out SUV

THE British winner of the Nobel Prize for Physics is to spend the whole of his prize money on a customised sports utility vehicle in metallic Muscle Purple.

Paddington sues over claims he was the late Queen's booty call

PADDINGTON Bear has taken legal action over suggestions that he was, in her final year, Queen Elizabeth II’s designated f**kbuddy.

Thank you for helping us get over your music and move on, say Swifties

TAYLOR Swift’s former fans have praised the star for prioritising their emotional development by releasing an album bad enough for them to move on.

'Abject terror makes me horny,' he whispered: Jilly Cooper's unpublished bonkbuster about an affair with Thatcher
A NEW book is claiming Margaret Thatcher had not one but two affairs. And by an amazing coincidence Jilly Cooper was working on a novel about this very subject. Here are some extracts.

Lifestyle

Emergency flare, £35: Ryanair's extra charges for being in a plane crash

A RYANAIR jet came within six minutes of running out of fuel, it has emerged. So what extra charges might you face if one of their flights turns into an aviation disaster?

Every member of D&D group thinks they're the cool one

ALL five of the people who meet for a weekly Dungeons & Dragons session believe they are the kind of cool person you would not expect to play it, it has emerged.

Bristol one big polycule

EVERY adult in Bristol is part of a citywide non-monogamous relationship with everyone else, it has emerged.

Why I'm leaving overcrowded London for good, by a rat

LONDON. The big rancid cheeseburger. The place where dreams are made, or were. Because it’s full and I’m getting out. Here’s why.

Relationships

Man on holiday has no idea he's expected to propose

A MAN on holiday with his girlfriend does not realise she, her colleagues, her friends, her family and the night shift at an M&S Food in Portsmouth are waiting for him to propose.

F**kboi? This man is just concerned by low birth rates

A 32-YEAR-OLD man who dedicates his leisure time to f**king then ghosting women insists his behaviour is motivated by his sense of civic duty.

Secret of happy relationship for man to be punching a bit

FULFILLED and long-lasting relationships are those where the man is less attractive than his partner and knows it, experts have confirmed.

Michelle Mone, and other wanks who pose a moral dilemma

BAD people can be attractive, and that poses a problem for the ethical masturbator. Examine your conscience before constructing a wank fantasy around these hotties.

Man 'not sure what he wants right now' not ruling out sex

A MAN whose dating profiles state he is ‘not sure what he wants right now’ is willing to consider the possibility it could be casual sex.

Mortified woman drunk texted her current boyfriend

A WOMAN who sent a salacious drunken text implying sexual availability is horrified that it went to her boyfriend instead of an ex.

Once I can get personalised AI erotica, how am I ever expected to leave the house?
GREAT. Now I can specify my erotic needs – Scarlett Johansson, H-cups, PSCO outfit – and ChatGPT will spin up a bespoke scenario. And I’m meant to leave the house?

Science & Technology

The seven stages of your workplace getting obsessed with AI then realising it's bollocks

ANYONE with a job is likely to have witnessed managers gushing about AI then quietly ditching the idea. See where your employer is in the cycle of AI hype.

Quantum mechanics, and other things that are simple if you're thick

NOBEL Prizes are being given out, but do not impress Britain’s many idiots who believe anything they fail to understand is simple. Wayne Hayes explains why they’re bollocks.

This teen turned his room into a tech-free zone. Soon he was quaffing mead and leading the Crusades

AN experiment in taking technology away from teenagers has seen them turn to mead, chainmail, and riding out under the banner of heaven to cleanse heathen lands.

We must stop children using VPNs to watch porn, says generation protected from it by a high shelf

YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted.

Single decent show feeling the pressure to justify streaming subscription
A STREAMING platform’s sole worthwhile show is struggling to justify a monthly fee of £14.99, it has admitted.

Arts & Entertainment

Taylor Swift vs Charli XCX, and other music feuds where you wish both sides could lose

THE music business is rife with petty arguments between two equally despicable artists. These high-profile disputes should have ended in mutual destruction.

Man thinks of music from 2016 as new

A MAN still mentally classifies music from nearly a decade ago as new, fresh and unfair to expect him to have an opinion on.

Leonardo DiCaprio, and other stars who trick decent people into watching arthouse films

NOT content with multi-million paychecks, duplicitous stars love nothing more than to con their audiences by fooling them into watching serious cinema. We name and shame.

Man who has listened to nothing but Iron Maiden for 40 years to give Taylor Swift a go

A 59-YEAR-OLD metal fan has decided that since there is such a fuss about it, he will give Taylor Swift’s new one a spin.

Why all the lyrics about being in love with her fiance on Taylor Swift's new album are proof she's categorically gay

CLOSETED superstar Taylor Swift is double-bluffing again with an album of songs ostensibly about macho man Travis Kelce. But the lyrics reveal what we’ve known for years – that she’s a lesbian.

Why celebrities with musical training on Strictly are massive f**king cheats, by Nikki Hollis, aged 47

EVERY year, there’s one. Sneaking onto Strictly, the joy of the autumn, ruining my Saturday nights with my Echo Falls and my post-divorce unshared share bag of Maltesers.

Vets, hairdressers, and other bastards who only tell you the price when it's too late
COMPETITION watchdogs are to make vets publish price lists, because they along with these bastards have been getting away with it for far too long.

Celebrity

We ask you: were you shaken to the core by the revelation Victoria Beckham had an eating disorder?

A NEW documentary about Victoria Beckham has turned Britain’s world upside down by revealing she had an eating disorder in the 1990s. How are you coping?

Jilly Cooper, and other celebrities tough to memorialise because of shagging

A CAREER based in large part on sexual intercourse makes the tributes slightly awkward when you pass on. These luminaries will be tough to remember respectfully.

Lee Meriwether as Catwoman: Weird formative crushes your partner fails to live up to

WE all had odd childhood crushes, and it’s likely they’re lodged in your psyche forever. Here are some of the slightly obscure hotties your current partner cannot hope to live up to.

'I miss my grandmother. She didn't think I was a dick'

PRINCE William has confided in the tabloid press that he misses his grandmother because unlike his father, brother and Britain, she had a high opinion of him.

The 6Music dad's guide to pretending you've heard all the Mercury nominations
THE Mercury Prize is announced tomorrow, and nobody will be asking your opinion because you’re 53. Nonetheless, prepare for imaginary conversations with this guide.

Work

Middle manager trials good mood

A MIDDLE manager is experimenting with being pleasant to his staff in a bid to improve their productivity, it has emerged.

You are f**k all like Taylor Swift, pupils remind English teachers

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

Best career motivation is manager who's a complete prick

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

Your salary safe from inflation, reassure bosses

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

Manager accused of gaslighting proves staff wrong by denying reality and shifting blame

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

Five homeworker hot weather outfits you were hoping other people wouldn't see

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

How to get ripped without giving up booze: Pete Hegseth's high-alcohol workout
ANYONE else sick of gym bros saying you need to give up booze to get shredded? I’ve made heavy drinking part of my workout and I’m fitter than a Navy SEAL. You can be too.

Alcohol

Young people not drinking very specific acceptable amount of alcohol

YOUNG people are either exceeding or falling short of the specific amount of acceptable alcohol consumption older generations dictate, they have admitted.

Wayne Rooney, and five other people it wouldn't surprise you to learn were pissed throughout

WAYNE Rooney has admitted drinking throughout his Manchester United career, explaining a great deal. Perhaps these other luminaries were smashed the whole time.

Everyone paying for what they had is a sign one person got shitfaced

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.

Wine aisle adorned with 'Back 2 Skool' signage

SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.

Legend finds way to go hard and go home at same time

A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.

We ask you: what event are you pairing with this weekend's alcohol?

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?