YOUNG girls up and down the country have been inspired by first female chancellor Rachel Reeves slashing the price of a pint by 1p.

RACHEL Reeves has delivered a tax-raising budget with notable concessions. But are you still confused as to whether you’ll have more cash for alcohol and trainers and whatnot?

RACHEL Reeves will take the edge off the Budget by delivering it with edgy quips in the style of an American awards show host.

DEPENDING on how badly your life is going, yesterday’s Budget will affect you differently. Here are the winners and losers of Rachel Reeves’ decision to tax and spend.

DON’T get me wrong, I love having some Poppy Day disrespect to moan about. But it’s getting earlier every year, and it doesn’t feel right calling someone a traitor in October.

AN Asian man out for a curry with his new office colleagues has been quizzed about Indian food as if he somehow has an innate knowledge of it.

A PAIR of moneyed new parents have given their beautiful, hours-old daughter a name best suited to a sour schoolmarm who lived a hundred years ago.  

Labour have been criticised for saying landlords cannot be viewed to be working as human beings. What do you think?

AN uptight bed showroom is stupidly not letting customers find out how good the mattresses are for shagging on.

HALLOWEEN is a time for ghosts, ghouls and women who want an excuse to wear revealing costumes. If you’re going to regret dressing as a slutty witch here are some outfits which are hard to sexualise.

RURAL villages that mark Halloween with funny old-fashioned ceremonies always kill someone at the end, it has emerged.

A COUPLE seeking a romantic autumnal activity have chosen to mutually hack apart a huge, slimy squash.

LIFE is dull. Inject the seedy glamour of organised crime into your day by turning mundane activities into Hollywood fantasies.

ARE needless thoughts racing through your head 24/7 or could your anxious brain be doing more? Find out with this quiz.

THOMAS Tuchel has explained his being German and managing England is not an issue because the two nations are essentially identical.

THOMAS Tuchel has nobly accepted his career as a football manager who won trophies is in the past and begun a long, sad slide into irrelevance.

ENGLAND played five strikers on Thursday and lost. Logic dictates they should therefore increase the number of strikers to 11 for Sunday’s game, but will they?

NOBODY seems to want the England job and fans believe anyone could do it better than Gareth Southgate, so should we let this lad Lee Carsley do it?

THE business-focused social media network LinkedIn has just begun an exciting new role rigging presidential elections in the United States. Click here to add your congratulations!

THE price of a good, solid shot of healthy human semen has risen by a full ten pounds to a princely £45 a time.

GOOGLE is wondering if you meant a different search term which requires less effort and more showing of sponsored posts, it has confirmed.

BANNING mobile phones in schools makes sense because why should they have fun? But in these sacred spaces devices should always be allowed.

LIAM Payne’s track Do No Wrong is being released uncomfortably soon after his death. But it’s not the first questionable musical tribute to a deceased individual.

MUSIC fans around the world are joining in the fun pretence that they would love to hear a new album by Kate Bush.

KEIRA Knightley has written a children’s book, based on no literary merit other than being in Pride & Prejudice. Here are some more famous people who really shouldn’t bother either.

AN artificial intelligence trained on Radiohead’s music can produced precisely two good albums before dissolving into an electronic morass, researchers have found.

YOU bought their records, and now they want you to buy appalling artwork which proves their talent is solely musical. None of these would be hung on merit.

THERE is ugliness in Hollywood, but only on the inside. Which is why the casting directors of these had to cast tanned and toned actors with glowing veneers.

WATER bills are to rise, because otherwise businesses failing by every metric would be unable to reward their shareholders. Here’s how that happened.

A GROUP of natural Tories have warned Labour to run the country in their best interests or every one of them will have left the country by Friday.

ARE you concerned that when the inevitable call from banking scammers arrives, you will be too savvy to fall for it and end up keeping all your money? Follow these steps.

RESIDENTS of a gentrified town are dismayed that the artisan cheese shop they collectively neglected is going out of business.

TENANTS are ungrateful bastards. Always complaining about broken sinks and holes in roofs but no appreciation for the finer points of interior design. Detail is everything.

A MAN has willingly slashed his income in order to pursue his dream job which still boasts a far better salary than yours, it has emerged.  

A WOMAN is under the mistaken impression that her leaving for another job is an important emotional event for those around her.

A BOSS is hoping that his employee’s five year plan aligns with his own vision of an increased workload for decreased compensation.

A BUSINESS is rethinking its morale-boosting strategy of asking staff to bring children to work after a group of teenage girls tore them to shreds.

MORE than 60 per cent of craft beer is brewed by big bastard corporations rather than independent bearded wankers, research has found.

A GROUP of work colleagues have been assured by a co-worker that they can continue their drinking at a great bar situated a mere 45 minute walk away.

A NEW range of boutique 12 per cent lagers are the drink of choice for sophisticated urban professionals at upscale dinner parties.

MORNING! Oh God, what did you do? How did unwinding with three bottles of wine lead to this? What is your pickled brain claiming happened and did it?

A MAN who absolutely underdid it on the pints has woken up mortified at the not even slightly embarrassing things he said the night before.