Pope posthumously named Pope of the Year

THE late Pope Francis has been posthumously named as Pope of the Year by Time Magazine.

The Archbishop of Canterbury on… Ricky Gervais, happy to be inspected by the Toilet Police

WAKING with a hangover so intense I feel it would require a guillotine rather than an aspirin to remedy, I reflect on the passing of Pope Francis and my decision to apply for his job.

Keelhauling preferable to £1,000 fine for headphone dodgers, say commuters

BRUTAL nautical punishments would be a more fitting penalty for headphone dodgers than a £1,000 fine, commuters agree.

Marathon runners hit actual wall
COMPETITORS in the London Marathon are running into an actual, physical wall and attempting to grittily push through it.
Cyclist actually pretty proud of new death by dangerous cycling law

A CYCLIST is gratified that the severe danger he poses to innocent pedestrians is finally being recognised in law.

Kneecap, and other great artists for feeling you're not part of the target audience

ARE you fond of certain musical acts but know you’d be horribly out of place in their actual audience? Here are some you have slight reservations about listening to.

I hope I don't go 'Hungary', get it? The gammon food critic's Budapest city break

I’M taking myself off on a little holiday. After a google I opted for Budapest, with its cheap beer, stunning architecture and rich history. Although if my history was mainly ‘collaborating with the Nazis’ I’d keep quiet about it.

Girlfriend's anecdote needs to be more second screen-friendly

A GIRLFRIEND’S anecdote needs to be simplified so that her boyfriend can follow it while looking at his phone, it has emerged.

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Politics

Why we all have a moral duty to join Liz Truss's uncensored social media network

Liz Truss, Britain’s most condensed prime minister, is launching a social media network for uncensored free speech. And we, as a nation, have a moral duty to join.

There's nothing 'racist' about my collection of Reform UK dolls, by a golliwog

THEY come in all varieties, in a host of little outfits, they’re very collectable and they bring me joy. So why does everyone have to carp about my collection of Reform UK dolls?

Nobody told me I'd have to work Saturdays, says Farage

A DISGRUNTLED Nigel Farage has complained that nobody informed him MPs could be called into Parliament on Saturdays at short notice.

We ask you: Have you got a f**king clue how tariffs work yet?

THANKS to Donald Trump, tariffs have been big news for the past couple of weeks. They're clearly very important, but have you gained any understanding about how they work yet?

Oasis fans rightfully divested of money better spent elsewhere
INTERNET scammers have performed the public service of removing wealth from Oasis fans and returning it to the wider, non-Oasis-based economy.

Society

Well I still don't know what a woman is, and I'm proud to say so

YESTERDAY’S Supreme Court decision means nothing to me. I still have no idea what characteristics could possibly constitute a woman, and I’m proud of it.

Internet misogynists given chance to meet a woman

A GROUP of online misogynists have been introduced to an actual woman for the first time.

Five reasons your bank balance keeps plunging that can't be blamed on Trump

TRUMP’S tariffs are causing economic chaos, but stupid financial decisions closer to home might be the real reason you’re broke. Here are some you keep imposing on yourself.

Pick a scapegoat: Six actually effective team-building exercises
GETTING a group of co-workers to mesh can be a challenge, but you don’t need to waste money on wanky team-building events. Simply appeal to their basest instincts, like this...

Lifestyle

Man's facial hair clearly his proudest achievement

A MAN obviously considers his beard and moustache to be the best thing he has ever done with his life, and may sadly be correct.

Man's biological clock telling him it's time to be a crap dad

A MAN’S internal biological rhythms are telling him it is time to become a dad who does the absolute bare minimum.

Heating fish in a microwave: Antisocial things to do on the Tube if you're not into crack

A MAN openly smoking crack on the London Underground has made the news. It’s already known for its nutters, gangs and perverts, so how should you annoy and horrify passengers in your own inimitable way?

Why, as a 44-year-old man, I am too young to think of settling down

I GET it. Women on apps expect a man of my age to have settled down. The ones aged 24 to 29 anyway. I don’t know what ones over 30 would say. They’re not in my Tinder age range

21 reasons to never, ever move house

MOVING house is widely acknowledged as the only way to live in a different house, but is it worth it? Or should you slump on the sofa looking as a wall you hate forever?

Are you a suburban boat wanker?

DO you live many, many miles from the sea, but still have a boat in your drive as if it were a short hop away? Go through our checklist.

We don't want to go to a f**king music festival, children confirm
MUSIC festivals are boring, tiring and you are an arsehole when you are drunk, children have told their parents.

Sport

Swanky French football fans horrified to find themselves in f**king Birmingham

FOOTBALL fans from chic, sophisticated Paris are currently in Birmingham due to a foul quirk of the Champions League.

Young people should miss a penalty, says Southgate

GARETH Southgate believes all young people should miss a crucial penalty at a major football championship as a learning experience.

We ask you: why hasn't the new England manager chosen all-new players?

NEW England manager Thomas Tuchel has chosen the same tired old players who lost the last two Euros finals. Who should he have picked instead?

Coked-up Cheltenham crowds have no idea what is going on

THOUSANDS of Cheltenham attendees are discovering that understanding horse-racing through a blur of cocaine and alcohol is impossible.

Science & Technology

Xenomorph Queen joins crew of all-female space launch

THE matriarch of a xenomorph hive is to join Katy Perry on today’s all-female space launch, it has been confirmed.

British bellend desperate to get Cybertruck

A UK-based bellend is frustrated he cannot advertise his credentials as his area’s leading arsehole by driving a Tesla Cybertruck.

Yeah well you can't ban our phones anyway, say teenagers about to find out

TEENAGERS have asserted there is no way anyone could ban their phones or social media because they have no idea.

Actually using it: Extremely good reasons to drop all this AI bollocks immediately

THE government believes AI will save Britain, but before hopping on this particular bandwagon, maybe it should consider these glaring issues?

My nine-point plan for the world to forget what a bellend I've been, by Elon Musk
UNACCOUNTABLY, it appears acting the twat in front of the whole world can damage perceptions of you. No matter. This is my genius plan to turn that around.

Arts & Entertainment

The Long Good Friday, and other woefully inappropriate Easter family films

BORED of chocolate eggs and Jesus? Why not watch someone nailed to the floor of an East End warehouse instead? Here are some questionable family movies for the Easter weekend.

All rides at UK Universal theme park to be Carry On themed

EVERY single ride at the UK’s Universal theme park will be based on bawdy films laced with tortuous double entendres, it has emerged.

The woman not climaxing: Realistic sex acts Sabrina Carpenter could simulate onstage

SABRINA Carpenter has been criticised for simulating oral sex onstage despite her young fanbase. But her concerts could be a valuable learning experience if she just portrays sex realistically. Like this…

Woman never realised musicals were that shit

A WOMAN who had never been to a musical before had no idea they were quite so awful, she has admitted.

Busker playing Nine Inch Nails has really misjudged tone of high street

A BUSKER has been disappointed to find that angsty, melancholic dirges are not the best way to solicit money from the average small-town shopper.

They're making a film about Ringo

A MAJOR Hollywood studio is making a biopic of the so-called ‘fourth Beatle’ Ringo Starr, it has emerged.

Six pricks who'll jump the queue to see the Pope lying in state
NOTHING brings out the world’s pushy knobheads like a lying-in-state, so expect to see these monsters make a mockery of open casket mourning at the Basilica.

Business

Perhaps allowing foreign billionaires to make us their bitch was a flawed strategy, muses Britain

THE UK is re-examining its long-held belief that allowing foreign billionaires to control every aspect of its daily life is a simply brilliant idea.

We ask you: what abusive new name would you give to WH Smith?

HIGH street WH Smith shops will be renamed TGJones after a £76 million buyout. Do you have an alternative name?

'Sorry, do you mean al-you-min-ee-um?' Britain asks US

THE UK has admitted it has never heard of the ‘Aloo-min-um’ the US is supposedly imposing a 25 per cent tariff on.

Bet365, and other private providers providing assisted dying to Britain

THE government is open to the private sector’s involvement in assisted dying, and these brands you know and love are eying the profits.

Does your special, special child need extra exam time? Of course they f**king do: a quiz
IS your child so much more special than the others they need extra time to do their exams? Could there be any doubt? Give yourself as long as you need for these questions.

Work

'Restrategisation', 'reprioritisation' and other corporate phrases for 'half of you are getting sacked'

‘YOU’RE fired’ is so harsh and Trumpian. A caring workplace focused on your wellbeing will use these euphemisms to soften the blow.

Woman unsure if new job role is promotion or f**king insult

A WOMAN given a new role and job title is unsure whether she is being recognised for her outstanding work or treated like a prize twat.

UK airlines' customer service staff take long overdue rest day

THE customer contact teams at all Heathrow-based airlines have been given a surprise Friday off to spend at their leisure.

Decision of whether you're disabled or not to be outsourced to blokes in a pub

TOUGH decisions about who is deserving of disability benefits and who is not are to be outsourced to solid, dependable daytime drinkers.

One in four young people too cool to be, like, a wage slave

A QUARTER of young people are not even bothered about working and are probably going to I dunno, hang out in a forest and shit working on their art, they have claimed.

We're not mentioning salary because we know you're above that, says job advert

EMPLOYERS advertising for new staff have confirmed they do not post salaries because prospective employees are beyond such petty considerations.

Male terms of endearment, ranked
MEN cannot express affection towards other men and even choosing between a ‘mate’, a ‘dude’ or even a ‘fella’ is a minefield. Use this ranking to guide you.

Alcohol

Six Easter drinking games to make it a proper piss-up of a holiday

EASTER is less popular with Brits than Christmas or other bank holidays because it’s not a licence to get totally shitfaced. Here’s how to liven it up with games involving alcohol abuse.

Pub quiz just Fight Club for middle-aged men named Nigel

REGULARS at a pub quiz have confirmed it is a battle arena at which they release their repressed masculinity via knowledge of trivia.

Man clearly comfortable enough with sexuality to order white wine

A MAN who ordered a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc for the table is completely confident in his heterosexuality, it has emerged.

Novelty Guinness hat donned with great solemnity

A MAN has put on a hat shaped like a giant Guinness pint resting on a shamrock brim with the reverence it deserves.

Labour's pathetic grovelling to Reform voters, reviewed by a Reform voter
TERRIFIED of a Reform wipeout in local elections, Labour is steeling itself to be as racist as it can. But what do actual right-wing voters think? Roy Hobbs gives his verdict.