YESTERDAY, I unveiled my grand new plan to end immigration forever. Yet people kept asking me about Brexit? Why, when it was unrelated to immigration in any way?

PATRIOTS who love their country and have no other underlying motivation are turning crossings and roundabouts into England flags. They can do these next.

WE have solved the migrant hotel problem, but apparently they don’t just vanish? No problem. We’ve used our collective expertise to find new locations to house them.

YOU live in Notting Hill and have therefore won, but there’s an annual weekend where people come to your area, dance about and commit light crime. Here’s how to pretend you don’t mind.

THE August bank holiday is world-renowned for its epic traffic jams. How are you seizing the opportunity to savour them?

TODAY’S GCSE results have once again shown academia’s clear and unjustifiable bias against children of average to low intelligence.

PASSENGERS on a flight from Corfu wrote goodbye texts to loved ones after their plane suffered a terrifying engine fire. Just for a laugh, what would your last panicked SMS be?

THE inclusion of ‘skibidi’ and ‘tradwife’ in the Cambridge Dictionary means it has been forced to remove ‘self-respect’ from its pages.

THE phrase ‘I couldn’t have done it without you’ is a lie in every circumstance in which it is used without exception, research has found.

SEX is widely regarded as extremely enjoyable, unless it’s with you. In which case these activities are suddenly much more appealing.

NOSTALGIC for the naughty 1990s but afraid to step out of the comfort zone of staying in alone staring at your phone? Here’s how to party like an All Saint, but safely.

YOU may be unsure how to introduce a new friend to your existing friendship group, especially if they're a far-right activist. Here’s how I make sure everyone gets along just fine.

TWATS are putting up England flags everywhere even though there’s no football tournament on and calling it Operation Raise The Colours. Here’s how to join them.

SO-CALLED builder's tea is the refreshment of choice among people who are irritating, it has emerged.

RUBEN Amorim’s Manchester United have lost their first game one-nil to a team widely tipped as title contenders and yet he remains in post. Why?

YOUR son’s first football match should be a wonderful bonding experience you’ll treasure forever, but instead all this shit happens.

A MAN with an extensive knowledge of football is patriotically refusing to voice his real views on the quality of yesterday’s penalty shootout.

ENGLAND’S women have admitted they have reached a saturation point of being inspired by the Lionesses’ heroics.

WOMEN are officially much better than men, the Euro 25 final has proved for the second time.

YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted.

A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.

A PHONE with more processing power than our space-faring ancestors had access to has been defeated by a hot afternoon.

THE effect of AI on jobs is expected to be bad. But having said that, there are some professions we’d be happy to see gone forever. Such as these…

INSULTS, flirtations and generally talking bollocks are all null and void after a fifth drink has been consumed, scientists have confirmed.

BOUGHT the latest Deftones album because you were cool once and yearn to be again? The fanbases of these bands cling to youth in the most obnoxious sartorial way possible.

A MIDDLE-AGED man is feeling oddly downhearted after buying an expensive limited edition box set of music by the favourite band of his youth.

LIAM Gallagher has been challenged to respond to his brother’s compliments toward him by opening up and saying the first thing that comes to mind.

TERENCE Stamp has died, and his many acting triumphs are being overshadowed by his role as a one-dimensional villain in Superman II. These actors will suffer the same.

THE Guardian loves its ‘How we made’ articles explaining how songs came into being. Unfortunately they also remind you of acts you were not a fan of at the time. Such as these...

SOMETIMES all it takes to terrify the public is to dab on a bit of corpse paint or blusher. As these otherwise harmless musicians proved.

THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t.

GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.

A COUPLE who believe that anything is achievable when you’re in deeply in love are proving it by starting a business.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

A PAMPERED office worker is daydreaming of ditching his desk job for manual labour that would immediately destroy him.

WORKMATES not got a lot going on? Treat them to every twist in your wild rollercoaster life with regular updates. These methods let you build insights into your life into your day.

SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.

A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.