LORD Mandelson has prepared his coffin, checked the ancient Cyclus Diabolicus, set an alarm and settled down for when he is next needed.

ANGELA Rayner is gone, but who could possibly replace her? The race to be deputy prime minister begins now and these are the candidates.

YES, the Farage Jewels are for tax purposes divested from the rest of the Farage body. Yes, they are registered offshore. Yes, ownership is opaque. Here’s why that’s fine.

THE RMT walkout has Londoners with absolutely no way they can possibly get to work, not counting all the others.

THE first person to arrive at any house party is always someone the hosts already regretted inviting, research has shown.

A MILLENNIAL has accepted his age after attempts to talk about drugs with younger colleagues left him sounding like a police officer.

YOU never thought it would happen to you, but it has: you’ve seen a tweet which could be viewed as an incitement to violence. Time to call the police.

TWO men who hail from shit British towns are locked in argument about whose town of origin is the shittest, onlookers have confirmed.

A HABITUAL wearer of gilets has informed all his colleagues that the early autumn chill is the ideal season for the wearing of a gilet.

RECEIVED an apologetic text from a friend explaining why they didn’t respond sooner? Ignore their lies. These are the real reasons people are slow to reply.

UNDER-16s will will no longer be able to buy energy drinks, but there’s no reason adults can’t continue to enjoy them responsibly as part of a high-caffeine diet. Here’s how.

RETIRED rail porter Roy Hobbs knows exactly what happens on these so-called girls’ nights, and it’s not just Netflix and ‘a chat about work’. He exposes the truth.

THE UK is now pandering to dog-lovers to the extent there’s barely a place your nasty yapping mutt isn’t allowed. These locations are pathetically dog-friendly.

MEN who insincerely adopt female-friendly behaviours to attract women have been labelled ‘performative males’. However these far better terms exist.

BRITISH horse racing is staging a one-day strike, leaving millions of gamblers with no option but to find new wagers. What are you losing a grand on today?

THE transfer deadline is upon us, making it imperative your club blows multiple millions on a player with a record of six goals in the Belgian second tier. But who?

RUBEN Amorim’s Manchester United have lost their first game one-nil to a team widely tipped as title contenders and yet he remains in post. Why?

YOUR son’s first football match should be a wonderful bonding experience you’ll treasure forever, but instead all this shit happens.

A MAN with an extensive knowledge of football is patriotically refusing to voice his real views on the quality of yesterday’s penalty shootout.

ENGLAND’S women have admitted they have reached a saturation point of being inspired by the Lionesses’ heroics.

YOUNG people must be stopped from using VPNs to access online porn, middle-aged people only barred from it by shelf-height and shame have asserted.

A NUMBER of schools have given teenagers conversation lessons to overcome their anxiety about speaking to an actual person about Clearing. Here are some extra tips.

A PHONE with more processing power than our space-faring ancestors had access to has been defeated by a hot afternoon.

THE effect of AI on jobs is expected to be bad. But having said that, there are some professions we’d be happy to see gone forever. Such as these…

SOME artists insist on clinging to the same image they had 20 years ago or more, and the results are often distressing. Here are some who need a rethink.

DERIVATIVE pub rockers Radiohead are touring this autumn, in what is expected to be a pale imitation of Oasis’s triumphant comeback.

DWAYNE ‘The Rock’ Johnson, who has been very successful portraying a wall of muscle, now wishes to be a serious actor. He and we will both regret it, as with these.

POP star Sabrina Carpenter’s new album has fans theorising that she may, at some point, have had sexual intercourse. But can we be certain? Let’s examine the evidence.

THE brands we buy are a reflection of our identity so in purchasing these, you’re admitting you’re a credulous ponce who’ll pay over the odds for bullshit.

THE Bank of England, learning nothing from Boaty McBoatface, invited the public to send in ideas for a major redesign of banknotes. This is why they wish they hadn’t.

GAMES Workshop has announced its profits are up by a third and its transformation of Britain into a nation of geeks nears completion.

THERE is loose talk of penance. Of ‘having to pay’. But as a person who has done well in life, I believe we cannot punish anyone involved in the Post Office scandal.

POUNDLAND is closing 68 stores, leaving many Britons bereft without their beloved cheap shit retailer. They share their moving stories of how Poundland touched their lives.

ENGLISH teachers likening themselves to Taylor Swift after the star referred to herself as ‘your English teacher’ have been sternly informed they can f**k off.

THERE is no better motivation to get promoted, change career or finally start your own business than having an utter arsehole as your manager, experts have confirmed.

THE 3.8 per cent rise in inflation will not trigger any confusing rises in your take-home pay, the UK’s employers have confirmed.

A RETAIL manager accused of gaslighting his staff hit back by outlining a compelling new narrative which proved they had invented the whole thing to hurt him.

HAVE you been working from home and slobbing out in a state of undress due to the warm spell? Prepare to panic when a surprise visit or an Zoom call exposes one of these outfits.

A PAMPERED office worker is daydreaming of ditching his desk job for manual labour that would immediately destroy him.

WHENEVER a group of diners decide to pay for exactly what each has consumed it is because one of the group got f**king wrecked, it has been confirmed.

SUPERMARKET wine aisles are currently covered with the same ‘Back to School’ promotional displays as aisles selling pencil cases and backpacks.

A MAN believes he has discovered a bold new frontier of nights out by going hard and going home simultaneously.

BLAZING sun compels every Briton to indulge in alcohol at an event designed for same, whether called ‘Trudy’s wedding’ or ‘Glyndebourne’. What’s yours?

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures.