Food

WANT to be brought a succulent Chinese meal, but don’t want to be the lazy fat bastard who outright suggests it? Follow these slow and careful steps to get your partner on board.

EVERY bastard with an apple tree in their garden is pressing whole shopping bags full of inedible fruit on their friends, family and colleagues.

ROYAL Parks have debunked Farage's claim that eastern Europeans are eating swans. For the avoidance of doubt, they are of course not snacking on these things either.

THE co-founder of Ben & Jerry’s has quit after discovering every tub of the ice-cream would now contain unpalatable right-wing facts, he has confirmed.

A WOMAN has snuck off to the nearest bathroom to cut and snort a line of pumpkin spice, in keeping with the season.

FOREIGN foods, supposedly delicious, are bloody awkward to slap between slices of Hovis Farmhouse Batch. These are grudgingly workable.

A CLEARLY psychotic family are having a full table-service meal before boarding their flight.

A MAN has been astounded to learn that a Michelin-starred restaurant provides a more enjoyable experience than a Wetherspoons. 

MASTERCHEF producers looking for a new presenter who will not inject inappropriate sexuality into the show have decided Nigella Lawson would be perfect.