Food

ACROSS upscale heatwave Britain, gelato is being served to middle-class families who consider themselves above ice-cream. But is it just ice-cream? Yes.

A MAN who already has a top of the range barbecue is giving a new outdoor cooking appliance the eye while lasciviously licking his lips.

SANDWICH inflation has hit the capital, with independent shops and affluent customers each listing extremely valid mitigating factors as to why that’s okay.

FOODIES are attempting to normalise the idea of cauliflower being the centrepiece of a roast dinner despite it having no right to be there.

SCIENTISTS have discovered consuming pasta shaped like the male genitalia heightens sexual desire and boosts bedroom performance by 150 per cent.

GOOD evening, welcome to this fine inner-city hostelry the tourists do not frequent. Can I tempt you to a large bar of Dairy Milk?

SHORTLY after texting to express her concern that you were single on Valentine’s Day, your mother is now distressed that you are single on Shrove Tuesday.

SEASONED and fried slices of potato are humanity’s greatest culinary triumph and can be enjoyed at any time. Ignore the naysayers and crack in.

THE Supreme Court has ruled that oat milk is not milk and in fact the ejaculate of the Horned One and should be labelled accordingly.