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Food

Idiot Britons theorise that cake must be better if bought from a shed

CREDULOUS cretins throughout the UK have managed to convince themselves that shed cake will taste much nicer than normal cake.

Gelato: it's just f**king ice-cream, isn't it

ACROSS upscale heatwave Britain, gelato is being served to middle-class families who consider themselves above ice-cream. But is it just ice-cream? Yes.

Dad adds pizza oven to outdoor cooking wank bank

A MAN who already has a top of the range barbecue is giving a new outdoor cooking appliance the eye while lasciviously licking his lips.

Six ways poncey London shops justify charging £15 for a sandwich

SANDWICH inflation has hit the capital, with independent shops and affluent customers each listing extremely valid mitigating factors as to why that’s okay.

World’s longest tiramisu 'a waste of good booze'

Cauliflower obviously not a f**king roast

FOODIES are attempting to normalise the idea of cauliflower being the centrepiece of a roast dinner despite it having no right to be there.

Penis pasta 'a potent aphrodisiac'

SCIENTISTS have discovered consuming pasta shaped like the male genitalia heightens sexual desire and boosts bedroom performance by 150 per cent.

Good day, sir! I am a man down the pub trying to sell you shoplifted chocolate

GOOD evening, welcome to this fine inner-city hostelry the tourists do not frequent. Can I tempt you to a large bar of Dairy Milk?

Mum sad you're single on Pancake Day

SHORTLY after texting to express her concern that you were single on Valentine’s Day, your mother is now distressed that you are single on Shrove Tuesday.

Job interviews, and other situations you can still open a bag of crisps at if you want

SEASONED and fried slices of potato are humanity’s greatest culinary triumph and can be enjoyed at any time. Ignore the naysayers and crack in.