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We ask you: Have you got a f**king clue how tariffs work yet?

THANKS to Donald Trump, tariffs have been big news for the past couple of weeks. They’re clearly very important, but have you gained any understanding about how they work yet?

Martin Bishop, barber: “No, haven’t got a clue. But I’ve seen an awful lot of graphs which look like cliff edges on the news, and that’s rarely a good thing, is it?”

Helen Archer, teacher: “Are tariffs going to mean I can pop to Tesco for a few bits and it will cost less than £25? Are they going to mean my mortgage is cheaper? Because if not, I’m not bloody interested.”

Josh Hudson, IT consultant: “They appear to mean Trump is screwing his own country by imposing higher costs on consumers. Which would be really funny, if it only applied to the MAGA loons who voted for him.”

Bill McKay, retired: “Of course I understand them. Well, not the complicated maths bit, but ultimately they mean Trump is going to boost the American economy by repelling woke. He’s taking back control, just like we did with Brexit. And that’s going very well indeed.”

Nikki Hollis, economist: “In the ways they are normally applied, yes, I understand them fully. In the ways Donald Trump is applying them, no, it’s all batshit f**king mental and makes zero sense.”

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All rides at UK Universal theme park to be Carry On themed

EVERY single ride at the UK’s Universal theme park will be based on bawdy films laced with tortuous double entendres, it has emerged.

Construction plans for Europe’s first Universal theme park have revealed that the site in Bedford will be predominantly dedicated to rides based on saucy comedy movies shown on ITV2 every Bank Holiday weekend.

A Universal spokesperson said: “This park will be a celebration of the best of British filmmaking. And it doesn’t get any better than Barbara Windsor’s bra pinging off with a silly sound effect.

“Visitors can look forward to drop towers that descend to the tune of a suggestive slide whistle, and bumper cars that go ‘ooh, don’t mind if I do’ in Kenneth Williams’ camp, reedy voice when they slam into each other.

“To create a truly immersive experience, every ride will be staffed by frumpy matrons and saucy nurses, and mascots will patrol the grounds dressed as Sid James to meet and greet the crowds. It promises to be a magical, unforgettable day out.

“If it’s a success then there’s always scope to expand. We’re already thinking of opening resorts based on other British franchises like Gonks Go Beat and On The Buses.”

Tom Booker from Croydon said: “I was hoping for punishingly bleak attractions inspired by Threads or A Taste of Honey, but I suppose this’ll have to do.”

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