Sport

KENNY Dalglish has signed for Liverpool, boosting both morale and their ineffective strike force.

OSCAR Pistorius' complaints about prosthetic blades have triggered the introduction of compulsory strap-on hooves in Paralympic running.

ENGLAND’S football-related car parks are hoping for their chance to shine as the transfer window closes today.

MAGNETO has destroyed the Olympic Stadium, after becoming convinced that the Paralympics is a gathering of superheroes.

QUEENS Park Rangers midfielder Joey Barton is to part company with himself at the end of the month, by mutual consent.

THE government has produced an official chart ranking sportspeople according to their level of heroism, to help fans perplexed by this year’s Euros, Olympics and Paralympics.

THE Lance Armstrong drug scandal has raised hopes that cycling can now be stopped altogether.

MARTIN Jol is to be sat  sat down and have the last 50 years of football explained to him, the FA has confirmed.

ROBIN Van Persie is expected to be out for at least nine months after some very loud shouting by Sir Alex Ferguson.

THE start of the Premier League season has renewed  Britain's sense of worthlessness and pessimism.