Sport

MARTIN Jol is to be sat  sat down and have the last 50 years of football explained to him, the FA has confirmed.

ROBIN Van Persie is expected to be out for at least nine months after some very loud shouting by Sir Alex Ferguson.

THE start of the Premier League season has renewed  Britain's sense of worthlessness and pessimism.

ONLY five tickets have been sold for a major handball tournament, it has emerged.

MANCHESTER United are now virtually uninsurable after the signing of splintery striker Robin Van Persie.

EDINBURGH'S giant pandas Tian Tian and Yang Guang have bought Rangers FC.

NICOLA Adams’ historic gold medal win in the Olympic boxing has seen her edge into the top ten of Leeds hardwomen.

BRITAIN'S 9-year-old Olympics BMX competitor is in turmoil after it emerged the final will take place when he had promised his mum he'd be home for tea.

ARSENE Wenger has revealed Arsenal’s entire kit cost him just £200 from the Highbury branch of Tesco.

ANDY Murray risks losing his status as a byword for risible mediocrity.