Sport

PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.

CHELSEA fans are being investigated after several were reportedly heard making balanced, cogent points about opposition players.

NEIL Warnock has blamed critics for his dismissal, claiming they posed as opposition footballers that kept beating his team.

THE Tottenham Hotspur fan whose dream we are all part of will wake soon, blinking this universe out of existence, experts have claimed.

FOOTBALL supporters are to switch their allegiance to a team whose scumbags they have never heard of.

TRAFFIC flow on roundabouts will be switched to anti-clockwise for the duration of the Olympics, the Government has announced.

GARY Neville has spent the last 24 hours obsessively calling his voicemail and making sure his phone has full bars.

JOEY Barton has refused to serve his three-match ban after disproving the existence of the Football Association using Nietzschean perspectivism.

LIVERPOOL'S defence of banned striker Luis Suarez will continue to be based on a strict interpretation of Uruguayan semantics.

ARSENE Wenger has conceded that his team is now unlikely to win the FA Cup final that took place almost 32 years ago.