Sport

THE FA Cup third round will see an epic battle between players you have never heard of against players who were okay five years ago.

THE Sports Personality of the Year judging panel has told Britain's women athletes to stop worrying their sporty little heads.

SIR Alex Ferguson has made it clear he in no way advocates having officials who displease him disappear without trace.

EMMANUEL Adebayor will ask Harry Redknapp to tell a Togolese orphan that his wage demands are unreasonable.

ENGLAND'S rugby union squad is full of English people, according to leaked documents.

HOLYWOOD is to remake Mississippi Burning set in a variety of premier league football grounds.

NEXT year I shall be reviving the lost tradition of the Grand Tour Of Europe, with my route taking me to every town in which Lord Byron managed to impregnate a member of the local aristocracy.

THE England team is now expected to eradicate all disease over the next three months, it has been confirmed.

CARLOS Tevez has vowed to get back to being an utter tool for his club, it emerged last night.

LONDON'S 2012 Olympics has been cancelled after Lord Coe decided it wasn't really what he wanted to do with his life.