Sport

CELTIC manager Neil Lennon was recovering last night after a frenzied goose attack.

MANCHESTER United can nearly claim to be the least incompetent team of the year.

MANCHESTER United have confirmed that their £1 ticket price increase was a calculated move based solely on their insatiable desire to annoy.

KENNY Dalglish has confirmed that Andy Carroll is still not a certainty to face a sea of confused-feeling Geordies this Sunday.

ARSENE Wenger has said he has always admired the voluptuous curves of the phrase '3rd place'.

SCOTTISH football's premier league is to award three points for a successful bombing campaign.

LIVERPOOL fans have appealed to have their own penalty goal overturned.

WAYNE Rooney has led calls for Ryan Giggs to be knighted for devoting 20 years to not behaving like a professional footballer.

MIGHTY goalkeeper Jens Lehmann has marked his return to English football by fighting an alligator in his Gothic mansion.

BRITAIN was inconsolable last night as a 21 year-old man was forced to collect the best part of eighty grand for poking a stick around a field.