Sport

THE Football Association has ordered Luis Suarez to sing I Will Always Love You to Manchester United's Patrice Evra on Valentine's Day.

PUNDITS have predicted Nick Griffin will be the next England manager on the basis everyone already hates him anyway.

TOTTENHAM Hotspur manager Fabio Capello has been convicted of tax evasion relating to payments made when he was manager of Portsmouth FC.

SUPPORTERS of every other team in the country say the 3-3 match at Stamford Bridge yesterday was definitive proof of a godless universe.

FABIO Capello has been asked to submit an empty team sheet for Euro 2012 to avoid selecting gits.

JANUARY is traditionally the month in which my friends and I assess our collections to see which pieces are surplus to requirement and arrange an auction at the Garrick.

LIVERPOOL has placed former striker Andy Carroll on the auction site Ebay with a reserve price of 99p.

PATRICE Evra has hired bodyguards to deal with loveable Liverpool rogues good-naturedly threatening to kill him.

CHELSEA fans are being investigated after several were reportedly heard making balanced, cogent points about opposition players.

NEIL Warnock has blamed critics for his dismissal, claiming they posed as opposition footballers that kept beating his team.