Sport

NEW Manchester City manager Pep Guardiola has announced the positions that all 514,000 of the city's residents must stay in throughout his reign.

LOUIS Van Gaal cannot leave United until he has completed his 380 hours of community service, it has emerged.

AN INSUFFERABLE tit brought his own bowling ball along to the office night-out, it has emerged.

A GAME of football between 40-year-old friends has left everyone involved injured.

CHELSEA captain John Terry has revealed that his legs have worn away to tiny stubs.

DIEGO Costa and Oscar have been involved in a training ground fight lasting over two days.

HYSTERICAL female darts fans have caused play at the BDO World Championship to be suspended.

STAFF at Real Madrid are making out that a welcome party clearly intended for Jose Mourinho in fact applies to Zinedine Zidane.

AUSTRALIAN cricket is reeling in shock after a player behaved in a sexist way for the first time in its 200-year history. 

ASTON Villa boss Remi Garde is to save his inspiring words for players who deserve them, it has emerged.