Sport

ENGLAND are guaranteed to come home with the World Cup now they have beaten two minor teams in a piss-easy group, fans have agreed.

TONIGHT’S Wales vs England game is to be like a pair of brothers getting in a pathetic scrap over who gets the top bunk, other nations have agreed.

THE England team have casually mentioned that tonight’s match not only decides progression to the next round but also Wales’s national tongue.

STAY-AT-HOME England fans are thrilled to grab the once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch the game far more pissed than the fans at the match.

HAVING left Manchester United with immediate effect, the 37-year-old footballer worth £370 million has signed on, it has been confirmed.

WELCOME to the greatest ever festival of football, a sport we love. Certain items are banned from games for peace, harmony of all involved. These are outlawed.

ENGLAND are to take the moral high ground in the Qatar World Cup by losing all their games in protest, they have confirmed.

MADE the difficult decision not to watch the World Cup for ethical reasons? Worried there are people who haven’t heard? Here’s how to tell them.

PRESSURISED air-filled balls made of polyurethane panels are the next thing to be banned from World Cup stadiums by the Qatari royal family.

A FOOTBALL fan is not in the least bit ethically conflicted about the upcoming World Cup because none of the decisions anywhere along the line were his to make.