Sport

STAY-AT-HOME England fans are thrilled to grab the once-in-a-lifetime chance to watch the game far more pissed than the fans at the match.

HAVING left Manchester United with immediate effect, the 37-year-old footballer worth £370 million has signed on, it has been confirmed.

WELCOME to the greatest ever festival of football, a sport we love. Certain items are banned from games for peace, harmony of all involved. These are outlawed.

ENGLAND are to take the moral high ground in the Qatar World Cup by losing all their games in protest, they have confirmed.

MADE the difficult decision not to watch the World Cup for ethical reasons? Worried there are people who haven’t heard? Here’s how to tell them.

PRESSURISED air-filled balls made of polyurethane panels are the next thing to be banned from World Cup stadiums by the Qatari royal family.

A FOOTBALL fan is not in the least bit ethically conflicted about the upcoming World Cup because none of the decisions anywhere along the line were his to make.

THE England World Cup squad has been named, much to the country's regret. Here’s how each of them will disgrace the shirt.

A MAN with his head up his arse who thinks politics is something that only happens to other people cannot wait for the Qatar World Cup to begin.

A LIVERPOOL fan has sat bolt upright from a dream in which Erling Haaland scores a hat-trick against his team and then they make out.