Sport

NEWCASTLE United today pinned their hopes on a bag of magic beans bought on the way to market.

THE Brawn racing team completed a Cinderella story yesterday after clinching the opening grand prix of the season with nothing more than millions and millions of pounds.

RAFAEL Benitez has signed a new contract which will see him blame other people for Liverpool's failures until 2014.

MANCHESTER United used text messages to inform fleeing supporters of Saturday's defeat by Liverpool as thousands left Old Trafford early and caught the train back to London.

ASTON Villa boss Martin O'Neill last night defended fielding a 69 year-old tea lady in central defence after his side were dumped out of the Uefa cup.

THE editors of the Oxford English Dictionary have agreed to include the word 'ronaldo' as a synonym for 'despicable', 'dishonest' and 'shitbag'.

SIR Allen Stanford, the six foot four Texan with an obsessive love of cricket, could be impossible to find, the FBI admitted last night.

SPURS striker Roman Pavlyuchenko last night hit out at England's lack of beetroot sandwiches and ugly, toothless old hags.

ONLY one in 10 professional footballers in England is not currently under arrest, the FA confirmed last night.

THE official slogan for the 2012 Olympics will be 'London, City of Fucking Sport and Shit', mayor Boris Johnson has confirmed.