Sport

BRITAIN could soon have the best lesbian squash players in Europe, prime minister David Cameron said last night.

SEBASTIAN Coe has revealed he was once a leading member of West Ham's notorious Inter City Firm.

THE offside rule is so simple even a woman can easily understand it, experts have confirmed.

RONALDO'S baby son punched a midwife within seconds of being born before feigning a calf injury, it has been confirmed.

LIVERPOOL captain Steven Gerrard is bracing himself for revelations that he ***ed a ***** and has had to ***** the ***** with a coat hanger and a ****ing great *******.

PROTESTORS outside Anfield last night questioned whether Roy Hodgson is mentally unstable enough to manage Liverpool.

FOOTBALL chiefs are to consider a reduction in the number of spray-tan trollops that top-flight players have to wheelbarrow in a motorway hotel.

ENGLAND are heading home from the World Cup today after state-of-the-art video technology showed the ball crossing their goal line many, many times.

THE All England Tennis Club has commissioned a special forces officer to terminate a match at Wimbledon after it went completely insane.

ADOLF Hitler was one of them Germans, experts claimed last night.