Sport

PRESIDENT Nicolas Sarkozy was thrown out of Britain last night and told to stick his Anglo-French brotherhood up his arse, after England lost 1-0 to France.

MOTORSPORT bosses have unveiled plans to overhaul Formula One with exciting new features, including hand to hand combat and an elephant on a skateboard.

ENGLAND has asked to be excused from sports for the rest of the year after producing a note from its mum.

KEVIN  Keegan and Newcastle have pledged to drive off a cliff together in a final act of sisterhood, rather than face relegation from the premier league.

US athletes will take their own food to the Beijing Olympics after discovering the Chinese diet is alarmingly cheese-free.

ENGLAND manager Fabio Capello has urged his squad to be much better at playing football, ahead of tonight's friendly against Switzerland.

BRITAIN  was united in outrage last night after formula one ace Lewis Hamilton was racially abused by the Spanish, of all people.

LIVERPOOL fans have launched a bid buy their beloved football club, backed by millions of pounds from the Department of Social Security.

MANCHESTER City manager Sven Goran Eriksson has revealed his players love to chase after sticks and are easily distracted by bright lights.

SIR ALEX Ferguson has apologised for upsetting Reading supporters at the weekend, saying he did not realise they were having their period.