Sport

LIVERPOOL coach Rafael Benitez was last night handed a £20m transfer budget to spend on one big-name signing or shit away on a collection of abject losers that you've never heard of.

SIR Alex Ferguson's plan to reign over English football for one thousand terrible years continues apace as Manchester United won their 18th league title.

AS his one match European ban was upheld, Darren Fletcher has accepted that the laws of football apply to him.

PREMIER League clubs should stop keeping score so that everyone can just enjoy a nice game of football, the culture secretary Andy Burnham said today.

INJURY-hit Andrew Flintoff has confirmed he is unlikely to recover in time for an absolute humping by Australia this summer.

IPSWICH Town yesterday unveiled Roy Keane as their new manager but stressed they would be keeping a large butterfly net to hand, just in case.

NEWCASTLE United fans brushed off yesterday's defeat by Spurs insisting they have a fool-proof scheme to guarantee the club a place in next season's top flight.

FEDERICO Macheda has the potential to become one of the greediest tosspots in the Premier League, his agent said last night.

SIR Alex Ferguson last night continued his policy of ruining the ends of things by revealing the conclusion to hit US drama series The Wire.

ENGLAND boss Fabio Capello has admitted he faced a tough choice between dreadful and laughable to partner Wayne Rooney in tonight's Word Cup qualifier against Ukraine