Sport

PREMIERSHIP goalkeepers have decided to fuck that for a game of soldiers after a spate of semi-fatal injuries over the weekend.

MANCHESTER United veterans Gary Neville and Paul Scholes are to spend the summer in a tent.

POP star Lady Gaga has been named as one of Wisden's cricketers of the year.

ADMINISTRATORS at Portsmouth FC are to sell off the club's FA Cup final places to the highest bidder.

FOOTBALL fans across Britain are still trying to pin down exactly who they hated most in last night's Champion's League quarter-final.

NEWCASTLE United fans resumed their adorable self-confidence last night by insisting their team was on course to win the Premier League next year without conceding a single goal.

TURNER prize-winning artist Anish Kapoor has designed the world's largest sniper's nest for the 2012 London Olympics.

MILLIONS of people across England were last night struck by the horrific realisation that Wayne Rooney's ankle health could influence their emotional well-being.

GIANFRANCO Zola will be sent to live on a farm where he will spend the rest of his days frolicking with other managers, according to the West Ham United board.

REFEREE Howard Webb is to be used by police by ignoring his opinion on everything.