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I told you it wouldn't be worth making the trip, says Prince William

A VINDICATED Prince of Wales believes he made the right call by not flying to Australia to cheer on the Lionesses because they lost.

The Football Association president confirmed that he only supports winners, the Lionesses were lucky not to have been five-nil down against Spain and he had no desire to be humiliated in front of Queen Letizia.

He said: “It would have been a waste of time, and my time is pretty damn valuable.

“The score would have been the same even if I was in the crowd making thoughtful expressions whenever the camera cut to me, and this way I got to watch Sunday Morning Live in bed.

“I think it’s no secret that I don’t consider football a sport – and women don’t play rugby, cricket or Eton fives, ergo they don’t play sport – so my little video message was more than enough.

“Condemning me to a 48-hour round trip on private jet would have been inhumane. It’s not like I can just drop everything at a moment’s notice. I have Royal business to attend to.

He added: “Oh, and Mary Earps was totally off her line. Not that it makes any difference now, I suppose.”

Losing same as winning, confirm English scientists

SCIENTISTS based in England have confirmed that losing a major football tournament is functionally identical to winning it. 

Researchers found that, by simple benefit of nationality, the Lionesses who technically lost yesterday’s World Cup final were in fact heroes who did us all proud and inspired a whole nation.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “There are scientists, particularly on the Iberian peninsula, who believe losing is the opposite of winning. Not so.

“In fact losing and winning are states so interdependent on each other that in certain cases, for example if England are in the final, losing the match has exactly the same result as winning it.

“The whole nation is grateful, the players are brave and brilliant and can return home with their heads held high, we’re all celebrating, etcetera. If this is the situation, as accurately reported by the country’s media, how can that be considered ‘losing’?

“It corroborates findings from 2021’s men’s European Championship final where missing their penalties made three players amazing, when under previous, outdated systems of measurement it would have been their fault we lost.

“Interestingly this rule does not carry over to club football. For example, Manchester United lost two-nil to Spurs at the weekend because they are f**king shite.”

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