A white home counties roadman has him's right to swag violated in a hexam

9th May 2024

FOURTEEN-year-old Active J, known in his detached home as Joshua Hudson, has sat an end of year hexam an’ been deprived of him’s basic roadman rights.

Wagwan? Man woz turbo-vexed, then man woz not. Earlier in da week Active J ‘ad him’s history hexam, an’ man ‘ad to write about da heuropean convection of da ooman rights to flex swag, an’ give a hexample of dem not bein’ upholded.

Mandem crew all wrote about Rishi an’ da governmentdem flyin’ da boat people on holiday to Wagwanda. But Active J woz bare vexed coz him’s ooman roadman rights were bein’ trampled on in da hexam, so man wrote about dat, innit.

First, dem suffocate Active J’s moosic by puttin’ man’s phone an’ pods in a clear bag. Man’s hand felt so weird wivout him’s phone. Den the hauthorities stole Active J’s henergy drink an’ made man drink raw water in a clear container wiv no branding. Raw water is rank, bruv!

Dem school hoppressors den banned man from freedom of hassembly an’ of hassociation wiv mandem crew. We ‘ad to sit on da separate tables, so when man got up to fist-bump Drilla for makin’ a fart noise when Miss Jackson walked past, Miss went deep mental, innit, an’ man ‘ad to sit right at da front. Urgh, brutal!

Man’s right to flex an’ swag like a boss gangsta woz suppressed all through da hexam. Man couldn’t talk, chew, drum on da desk or beatbox. Even Active J’s freedom to hexpress feelings for him’s nang gyal woz violated, just coz man woz air-snoggin’ Lady G across da room. Wot is dat about, bruh?

A teacher from da regime even followed Active J to da toilets, to make sure man woz only vapin’ an’ not cheatin’. It woz like man woz in a maximum-wasteman prison ‘n’ ting, or like Ray Winston Smith in dat Big Bruv book, innit. It woz a leng relief to be set free on da hastroturf at break.

Later in da week, Miss Jackson gave out da papers, an’ said dat despite bein’ a deadman loser Active J got da bare top marks for him’s roadman rights rant. Bare gassed! Miss Jackson is well peng.

9am-10am, wargaming Admiral Naval battles in the bath: The King's busy day in full

8th May 2024

PRINCE Harry should not take it personally that the King is unable to see him today. His jam-packed itinerary means he does not have a second to spare:

8am-9am: Eating a lavish, state-funded breakfast

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so the King makes sure to do it right. As well as a bowl of muesli, he also wolfs down a full English breakfast, a round of pancakes, and a boiled egg with soldiers, all washed down with three cups of coffee. Sounds extravagant, but you’re footing the bill so he doesn’t worry.

9am-10am: Wargaming Admiral Naval battles in the bath

The highlight of the King’s day. While enjoying a good soak, his majesty likes to splash around with accurate scale models of Type 45 destroyers and the HMS Queen Elizabeth. Today will see the King wargaming a conflict against the Russian fleet in the Black Sea, complete with enthusiastic sound effects and explosions made by pounding his fists into the water.

10am-10.30am: Taking a royal leak in the Gold State Toilet

Even the simple act of going for a piss is a complex, pageantry-laden affair for the King. Popping to the palace’s ornate ceremonial toilet involves a procession down The Mall, while unzipping his flies revolves around a bizarre ceremony shrouded in ancient tradition. Plus the onlooking trumpeters make it hard for His Majesty to get a steady stream going.

10.30am-11.30am: Doing whatever mummy did at this time

Thanks to a lack of handover notes, the King is unsure what to do at this time of day. If in doubt, he sits at a desk like his mummy did and dutifully replies to daily dispatches delivered to him in a little red leather box. This is his version of trying to reach inbox zero, and just like you he is failing pathetically.

11.30am-12pm: Doomscroll

The King is not so different from regular people. When he has a moment spare, he likes to scroll through TikTok and Instagram reels while despairing at the state of the world. If he sees a particularly funny meme he likes, he’ll share it with Andrew in their private Whatsapp group.

12pm-1pm: Lunch break

Forever at a loss as to what to do for lunch, the King will likely disguise himself as a civvie and swing by Greggs for a vegan sausage roll before calling into CEX to see if there are any good deals to be had.

1pm-2pm: Aimlessly drift around the palace gardens like he does on The Crown

The King would have loved to attend today’s Invictus Games celebrations, but sadly they have clashed with his aimless meanderings around the palace gardens. This important stroll has been pencilled in his majesty’s diary for months so sadly cannot be moved, but the King is confident that Harry will understand.

2pm-3pm: The back-breaking public duty of cutting a ribbon

What is it today? The opening of a hospice or a new Co-op? It’s hard to tell. All the ribbons and over-sized scissors tend to blend into one after a while. What the King wouldn’t give to smash a bottle against a new ship once in a while, just to break up the monotony a little. Still, it’s the Olympics soon, maybe he’ll get to do something with a flaming torch.

3pm-6pm: Spend precious family time with William and Kate

Time is the most important commodity, so the King is sure to spend it wisely. This afternoon he has blocked out three whole hours to unwind with WIlliam and Kate, play with his grandkids, and create special memories with relatives who don’t talk shit about his family on Oprah.

6pm-7pm: Watch Baby Reindeer

He’s managed to avoid spoilers and wants to see what all the fuss is about. With any luck he’ll be able to squeeze in two episodes.

7pm-9pm: Private physical engagement with Camilla

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9pm-10pm: Settle down to bed

While a servant brushes his teeth for him, the King will take stock of another busy day while looking ahead to tomorrow. Funnily enough his calendar is completely empty, if only Harry had been free then he surely would have loved to meet up. Maybe next time.