Politics

THE prime minister has outlined his vision of a country where every man, woman and child is a maths-loving spod.

THE prime minister has announced he will be taking the whole of 2023 off to prevent suffering from burnout.

Win a year's free Mash Premium by answering questions about 2022! You don't even have to get them right? You can be as thick as anything!

YESTERDAY I accused striking NHS staff of consciously choosing to inflict harm on patients. I’m here to tell you why it was definitely a foolproof way of getting people to vote Tory again.

LOOKING for a last-minute gift, but can’t find anything callous and vindictive enough? I know the feeling, so here’s how to give a loved one a sponsored deportation this Christmas.

A BREXIT voter cannot see how striking workers are allowed to vote for action which deliberately and wilfully makes his life worse.

A MAN who manages liquid assets for a large conglomerate is harbouring a secret crush on RMT secretary Mick Lynch.

A WISTFUL Conservative party has decided to indulge in one last miners’ strike for old times’ sake.

ARE you due to become a Tory peer, probably after giving them a lot of money? You’ll need a title for your new role. Since it’s made up, here are some suggestions for your new grifting name.

EVERYTHING’S fine, that’s the news! The strikers will get bored eventually! The cold’s a blip, there won’t be blackouts, and my party will warm to me!