I LOVE cars and Britain’s wonderful, friendly car community. Ordinary, decent, hardworking car folk like you. And that’s why I can’t stand by and let Labour turn our beloved cars transgender.
You might not think it’s possible for a car to be transgender. But it is. At the garage you won’t be able to say ‘Fill her up’, you’ll have to say ‘Fill he/him/she/her/they/them up’. All for ten quids’ worth of petrol. And that will definitely happen if you don’t vote Tory.
That’s just one example. If our increasingly woke police stop you and you fail to to refer to your Audi as a ‘non-cis-gendered vehicle that identifies as gay, bi, trans, fluid or asexual’ you’ll get six points on your licence.
This is Labour’s plan. You might have spent upwards of £30,000 on a manly 4×4 like a Panzer, but you’ll be ordered to paint it pink and attach fake breasts to the bonnet, which will cause impotence and make it harder to park.
How, you might ask, do I know about this demented scheme – which is totally 100 per cent supported by Starmer, Rayner, Miliband, Reeves, Streeting and all the woke liberal Stalinists in modern Labour?
The answer is simple: it’s the sort of thing they would do. Our focus groups have found that many potential Tory voters like cars, but they’re not comfortable with transgenderism, particularly after our newspapers have spent a week hysterically screeching about perverts dangling massive great veiny penises in women’s faces in changing rooms.
I want a return to the time when cars were clearly male, like a Ford Capri, or female, like a little Mini Metro hatchback for doing your shopping. So I call on voters – especially working-class ones who might not put up with us posh wankers for much longer – to focus entirely on the issue of transgender cars and vote Tory.
And once I’m back in Number 10, I will help drivers by removing all speed limits in the UK. Because as we sensible car owners know, 99 per cent of accidents are caused by people going too slow.
