EVERY grim pub has a weird bloke sitting on his own who turns out to have incredibly dodgy opinions. Here Lee Anderson MP gives his tips on being that guy you regret talking to.
Establish your territory
Sit at the same seat, ideally at the bar, and order the same pint of best (lager is a woman’s drink) with monotonous regularity. Monotonous, that’s you, as people subjected to your views on ‘snowflakes’, ‘transgenders’ and ULEZ will soon discover to their cost.
Act like you know it all (because you do)
Don’t let being none too bright and having no greater life experience than anyone else stop you being an expert on everything. The true pub bore is supremely knowledgeable about topics ranging from Viet Cong tactics to looking after tropical fish. The fact that you are wrong, and you’d kill the fish by feeding them carrots, isn’t a problem because you’re too f**king thick to realise.
Sound like a National Front leaflet
‘If they don’t like barges then they can f**k off back to France’ is the level of debate I’d like to see in the House of Commons every day (we’re getting there). The trick is to stop just short of actual racism. This way you can troll liberals without getting barred, sacked or prosecuted. Outwardly you are just an attention-seeking gobshite, but underneath you have the guile of that most cunning of animals, the wasp.
Learn how to snare your victims
I like to mutter ‘Evening’ to unsuspecting drinkers. Encouraged by this bait they’ll come out with some chit-chat like ‘So much for summer!’. You’ve now established a conversational bridgehead and you can start opining about Sharia law – or another of your six or so tedious obsessions – and watch them squirm as they try to escape before you get to the really offensive bit.
Keep it fresh
Despite what I just said, there’s more to life than immigrants. I like to spice up the conversation by throwing in a topic you’d never expect in a million years from someone like me, such as bringing back the death penalty. Or address a contemporary issue thrown up by our fast-changing modern world, eg. ‘Should women have jobs?’
Bring up your working-classness frequently
Everyone loves listening to someone with a chip on their shoulder. Drippy middle-class Guardian readers have to listen to your working-classness out of guilt, and other working-class people need reminding that their working-classness is less authentic than yours. It seems like only yesterday I were down t’pit, learning the meaning of hard graft and fighting off Balrogs with my good mate Gimli. Or did I imagine that? It’s hard to tell when your head’s full of shit.
Enjoy banter with the ladies
There’s nowt wrong with a bit of harmless flirtation now that women are allowed in pubs. I used to be quite the ladies’ man, so if a bit of skirt is waiting to be served I’ll say: ‘You remind me of my daughter. ‘Course, I wouldn’t let her go out dressed like that.’ It’s just a shame that standards have dropped these days and too many young women use bad language like ‘Are you that f**king twat Lee Anderton?’ and ‘Your TV show’s f**king shit, by the way’.
