AMERICANS visiting the UK are astonished by minor physical and cultural differences. They should shut the f**k up about these non-puzzling things:
It rains all summer
Caused by meteorological processes like low-pressure weather systems arriving over the UK. You could learn this from science, but since 40 per cent of Americans believe in the Rapture they assume it’s because we’re hated by God and his angels piss on us. That makes more sense to them.
Tea
It’s just a popular drink, with a well-known history. But Americans adore tea myths that are obvious bullshit, like contemporary Britain grinding to a halt at 3pm on the dot for a brew. Nor did British soldiers pause in the middle of firefights for tea. If you were riddled with Schmeisser rounds it would be a waste of a good cuppa.
Chips
Words evolve differently in different places. That’s it. A nation that invented ‘fanny packs’ has no grounds for argument, and shouldn’t be offended if you ask if they’d mind putting your lip balm in their vagina hole.
Things are smaller
Showers, sinks, living rooms, yeah, they’re smaller. Due to property developers and builders viewing every square inch of Britain as a rip-off investment opportunity, supported by a government voted for by homeowners who never want the housing crisis to end. It’s not our deep-seated desire to live in pokey rabbit hutches. We’re being f**ked over.
Plugs and sockets
Britain contains many interesting but confusing things, from alien big cats to Eddie Izzard. But dullard Yanks focus on plug sockets, which are more robust and contain a fuse due to our much higher voltage. Do they go to Venice and get excited about the toilet seats? Are they agog at Thailand’s parking meters?
Kettles
Will this voltage discrepancy never cease to amaze? Americans don’t have electric kettles because of it. But it’s so fascinating to them that Britain should build a vast theme park called Kettle Land where you can watch all manner of kettles reaching boiling point, or go for a ride in a giant Russell Hobbs. The tourist dollars would flood in.
We don’t celebrate the 4th of July
Nations tend not to celebrate the outcome of conflicts they lost. We don’t celebrate Fall of Singapore Day either, although Brits would happily get shitfaced while eating sushi. We’ll start celebrating the 4th of July when you start celebrating the 30th of April as Last Chopper Out of Saigon Day.
The country’s dirty
We’d noticed. Caused by 13 years of a government refusing to fund anything that might improve our surroundings, not Britons sneaking out to grinding chewing gum into the pavements of Doncaster or smearing greasy dirt inside Tube stations. We did leave that slimy banana skin in the fold-up table on the train, though.
