Politics

DAVID Cameron and Ed Miliband have confirmed that one of them is going to be prime minister in a few weeks.

THE prime minister has likened the UK to Thomas the Tank Engine, who is alway the direct cause of disaster.

THE Scottish National Party is on course to win a majority of seats across England.

5. Lumps of putrefying giraffe meat that he feeds to Ian Duncan Smith through the slot in his wooden crate.

DAVID Cameron has admitted he will not serve as prime minister for a full five decades.

PLANS to do insane things like turning Swansea into a sunken lagoon have been waved through by a distracted parliament. 

GEORGE Osborne has hinted that today's Budget will be for business, growth and vile pensioners who want lots of free stuff.

ED Miliband has confirmed that Labour will refuse to govern the country if it wins the general election.

CONSERVATIVE chairman Grant Shapps has admitted he had a second job as a vigilante delivering street justice while an MP.

ED MILIBAND'S wife is banned from the proper kitchen where he cooks flamboyant gourmet meals, it has emerged.