Politics

THE Conservatives have promised to stamp out all confusing regional accents if elected for another term.

BRITAIN is to draw straws after Labour pledged to bother four million people in the privacy of their own homes.

GEOPOLITICAL experts believe that the danger of Russia initiating a third world war within the next few months is scarcely more than one in three.

THE newly elected leader of Scottish Labour has also been named as leader of the Scottish Conservatives.

BRITONS should save time reading news articles by assuming a UKIP politician has recently made some offensive remarks, it has been claimed.

NIGEL Farage and Russell Brand have mysteriously swapped bodies after last night’s Question Time.

ED MILIBAND thought his face was melting after reading about the effects of drug use for the first time.

ATTEMPTS by the Liberal Democrats to outline their agenda have been aggressively shushed as soon as they began.

NIGEL Farage has confirmed his belief that immigrants are a type of small, crab-like creature.

THE government is to regulate adult content by producing porn films and websites itself.