Politics

ALEX Salmond is to stand for Westminster to fight for English independence from Scotland.

UKIP is to target seats where the electorate consists solely of men.

DEPUTY Prime Minister Nick Clegg has once again been given the Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day shifts on the Cabinet’s Christmas rota.

"Thank you for the card. Your face looks strange. I do hope you’re not seriously ill."

THE prime minister has promised he has ruled nothing out in negotiations with the EU, including a decade-long transcontinental war.

POLICEMEN have admitted they enjoy Typhoo tea, the comedian Jethro and Sweet & Spicy Pot Noodles.

ED Miliband has revealed that he is struggling to keep up with his packed diary of PR blunders.

SCOTLAND to tax its millionaires because they could never find anywhere nicer to live.

TACTICAL voters no longer have any idea who they are meant to be voting for or who they are trying to keep out, they have admitted.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage has begged the Government to just let him take over now because he is too excited to wait any longer.