Politics

SENIOR Labour politicians have called on the party to reconnect with its core supporters, people who have nice big houses.

UKIP may try to keep Nigel Farage as leader because its strongest candidate is a humanoid known only as ‘Beast’.

GRANT Shapps has announced plans to join a rap group that actively encourages the use of multiple pseudonyms.

DAVID Cameron’s cabinet ministers have proved themselves unable to smile and wave like functioning humans.

THE remaining Liberal Democrat MPs are to tour the country in a people carrier re-engaging voters via a hard-hitting puppet show.

ED Miliband’s pledge tablet has been made available to anyone wanting to try their hand at obscene graffiti.

BRITAIN’S voters have revealed that lying about who they will vote for is hugely enjoyable.

ED Miliband has been knocked unconscious by a three-tonne Russian spacecraft which fell out of orbit.

ED Balls, George Galloway, UKIP and Vince Cable have left Britain drained after an orgy of schadenfreude.

MILLIONS of voters have admitted they are bastards who just want money.