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We ask you: which prisoners would you like Keir Starmer to release next?

THE prime minister has affirmed his commitment to locking ‘em up is matched by his commitment to letting ‘em out early. Who do you want to see released? 

Norman Steele, lamprey farmer: “He should let out anyone who hasn’t done it, like Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption. Honestly they shouldn’t even be in prison.”

Lucinda Parry, pensioner: “Ah. Now this is awkward because I correspond with a murderer I’m engaged to, but I really think the relationship will lose its magic if he’s not inside.”

Josh Gardner, student: “I want to see everyone convicted of smoking herb freed because that’s not a crime. What? That’s only 12 people? Oh.”

Eleanor Shaw, jewellery designer: “But surely prisons are like holiday camps, with PlayStations 5s and free marijuana. Are they not reluctant to leave?”

Hannah Tomlinson, flautist: “I notice it’s only men’s prison that’s doing early release. F**king patriarchy. “

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Taylor Swift does not represent us, says League of Spinsters

CHILDLESS cat-owning women have decried Taylor Swift as not representative of their wizened, child-scaring community. 

Hardcore crones, with as many as 16 feral felines in shadowy homes which they only leave to shout at the young, say they have been fighting for women’s bodily autonomy longer than any stripling of a 34-year-old.

86-year-old spinster Margaret Gerving said: “Well pardon me for having progressive views while cackling in a rocking chair. We can’t all have toned pins and sell out global stadium tours, you know.

“Swift barely has a wrinkle, has a mere three cats and far from being single and unwanted, she’s entertained a string of gentleman callers and is currently seeing a footballer. She doesn’t even know we prefer to be called crazy cat ladies.”

Susan Traherne, aged 90, agreed: “If I endorsed Kamala Harris it would carry some weight, what with my average weekly shop being 60 tins of Felix and a single loaf of bread. Those are heavyweight credentials.

“But her? Does her audience really care why she did this, or do they blindly like her Instagram post because she can belt out a tune in a skimpy outfit? I’m bitterly cynical by nature after my fiancé left me at the altar in 1954, but I’m inclined to believe the latter.”

She added: “I see Elon Musk has offered to impregnate her. He says the same to me every day. But when he’s in cat form.”

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