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Who won the presidential debate if one party spouted provably false bullshit throughout?

THE US presidential debate was a contest between a candidate who spent 90 minutes trying and failing to keep up with his own obvious lies, and another one. Who won? 

Claims about immigrants eating ducks: TRUMP

Kamala Harris may be vice-president and a former state prosecutor, but when it comes to having the inside information about a particular nationality in a particular small town developing a taste for domestic pets and waterfowl, she knew nothing. Trump had all the facts, even if the biased moderators said it was untrue.

Claims the Democrats back post-birth abortion: TRUMP

Post-birth abortion, otherwise known as murder, is one of the key issues of this election according to Trump’s speeches. And he hammered his opponent on this, backing her into a corner of asserting it is false and lunatic nonsense spread by those terminally detached from reality. Insulting the American people is never a good idea, honey.

Compassion toward Capitol attackers: TRUMP

Showing his caring, empathic side, Trump had nothing but sympathy for those who assaulted the US Capitol. By contrast, Kamala the cop treated them as though they were nothing but criminals trying to overthrow a democratic election, unable to let go, unable to forgive. The US deserves a leader who can move on.

Bringing peace to the world: TRUMP

Kamala’s geopolitical plans? War, war, war: war in Ukraine, war in Gaza, war everywhere. Trump, by contrast, came across as a man of peace who forges not enmity but friendship with dictators. In a gentle voice, while stroking a fluffy rabbit, he explained how a single phone call to Putin would stop the bloodshed at the cost of only territory.

Boasting about holding ‘the most incredible rallies in the history of politics’: TRUMP

Trump is a businessman. He knows numbers. He will have checked and double-checked, putting together accurate estimates of political events going back to ancient Sumeria, before making this statement. Even the moderators failed to challenge it, making it truer than the theory of gravity.

Not even bothering to offer the electorate one enjoyable lie: HARRIS

Kamala Harris – a politician, supposedly – stood on the debate stage and offered the country no falsehoods, no fun fabrications, not a single exaggerated tale about her own prowess and zero claims to be the greatest in history at anything. She will lose in November.

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Seven obvious reasons why you won't enjoy cuckolding

THERE’S no harm in sexual fantasies, but cuckolding – asking your wife to cheat on you with other men – is worth considering carefully before trying, for these obvious reasons…

The small talk will be awkward

You won’t be able to avoid basic social interaction before you get onto the sex. If you don’t enjoy making small talk at your annual work party, you’re going to hate asking: ‘So, Jeff, how are you looking forward to putting your penis inside my wife?’

The etiquette is far from clear

As the cuckold, can you jump in when you feel like it, or are you forbidden to interfere? Is the act of cuckolding sacred and you’re meant to just sit there masturbating politely? Google offers no clarity and none of your WhatsApp groups want to talk about it.

It’s historically unpopular

Shakespeare was obsessed with cuckoldry, clearly having dated an unfaithful wench, but the term is even older, coming from the Old French for ‘cuckoo’. Throughout much of history anyone having sex with your wife was an acceptable reason to kill him, and her. The Bible and the Koran both favour stoning to death. Is history likely to have got it so wrong?

Will the female participant find it demeaning?

As the woman in all this, you’ll struggle to escape feeling like you’re being passed around like a sharing bag of Kettle Chips. Do you want this? Do you want this but you’d prefer he didn’t want it? At this point, is shagging someone else and getting far too into it just the easiest route out of your relationship?

Will the cuck actually enjoy it? 

Hot in theory, but in practice? If you’re married you feel pretty strongly about your wife. Can you guarantee you’ll enjoy watching her being shagged by a stranger, or will negative feelings creep in? Like sickness, homicidally jealousy or curling up in a ball and sobbing? All reactions which are strong indicators that you have not chosen a fulfilling path.

What will you do while she’s being f**ked?

If being cuckolded isn’t doing much for you, this is a bad time to find out. Would it be rude to go on your phone, or pop out to retrieve your Nintendo Switch? While you’re in the bedroom you could always repaint the ceiling. Surely that would be doubly exciting for your wife who’s been on about it for ages?

Long-term consequences

Couples who have ventured into these realms can find it hard to meet each others’ eyes afterwards. It can’t be turned into a relatable anecdote. And if all your fantasies come true and she really does love sex with other men more than you, she may tire of you wanking in the corner. You were all excited about sexy cuckolding and now you’ve been humiliated.

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