YOU watched, rapt, as these visions of the future unfolded. Ignorant of the fact your teacher stuck the video on because she was lazy, and none of it would happen:
Lying to the police
The PC came to your school to give 11-year-olds the scared straight treatment and claimed, straight-faced, that kicking a football through a window and running away would land you ten years for manslaughter. And told you not to lie about it while you all resolved to, in the case of a football window pensioner death, blame your shittest mate.
Intervening in a fight
‘Hey, violence is never the answer’ said a RADA graduate in a very misleading film about pub punch-ups. Those words stopped the violence in the film. Even aged 12, you knew that would not be the case in real life and all you’d do was hope someone else does something like the one in the video who was a total fanny.
Being offered free drugs
Only when you do end up with a crowd who miraculously have a pill spare do you realise how how strange it would be for someone to pressure you into taking their drugs, leaving them with less drugs. Who even offers? It’s hard enough to get a drag of your best mate’s Marlboro.
Using fireworks dangerously
Every November 5th you’d head to the local rugby club’s display wary of other kids shoving lit fireworks into your backpack to burn you alive for a laugh. On the ground, other kids shat themselves when their sparklers got too low. The teacher should have been more worried about your dad putting Windex on the bonfire.
Helping a drunk friend
Mate had a little too much? Ignore all your snog opportunities to focus on their needs: fetching water, finding a quiet corner, calling their parents. Clearly your mates missed the lesson, because when you got smashed they threw Bulmers on your jeans and told the love of your teenage life you’d pissed yourself.
Standing up for yourself
It’s important to be yourself and not bow to the judgement of others. Easy to say when you’re not still getting shit for wearing your dad’s coat on the school trip to the Sea Life Centre two years ago. Much easier to take it off and be cold, wet and normal. You can learn self-confidence later when you’re not at school with five hundred wankers.
