DONALD Trump has all but clinched the Republican presidential nomination, because that’s America. Who will win the forthcoming geriatric rematch? 

Steve Malley, building inspector: “As a parent of toddlers, let Trump have it because otherwise he’ll never stop f**king whining. I ended up scraping the car last month because I said no to biscuits.”

Bill McKay, circuit judge: “How about we let Biden win, but when he inevitably dies in office the presidency goes straight to Trump?”

Franny Johnson, retail manager: “It’ll be the end of American democracy if Trump’s elected, but they’ve only ever had democracy. They deserve the chance to give dictatorship a try and see if they’re into it.”

Ryan Whittaker, vegan: “Remember the tagline for Alien vs Predator: ‘Whoever wins, we lose’? This is like that: an overhyped load of shit.”

Hannah Tomlinson, broadband installer: “Trump to win the election, but Biden to stage an absolutely masterful insurrection that blows his half-assed amateur effort away.”