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Don't spend your 2p all at once, winks Hunt

JEREMY Hunt has playfully tousled your hair and warmly told you not to spend all your 2p savings at once.

Sitting the nation on his lap like a kindly grandfather handing out Werther’s Originals, the Chancellor has sagely advised you not to fritter away your National Insurance cut on sweet cigarettes or marbles.

Hunt said: “It’s tempting to blow your new-found fortune on frivolities, but that two pence could go towards something more sensible like a house deposit.

“Maybe use your 2p to treat yourself to a slap-up meal out this evening to celebrate the budget, just don’t make it a habit. Set aside at least half of it for bills and emergencies. Interest rates are still pretty high, after all.

“I know it’ll be hard to show restraint with two pence burning a hole in your pocket. You’ll likely want to hit the town or go on that round the world trip you’ve always been dreaming of. Personally I’m resisting buying a couple of Ferraris.

“We’re still in a recession though, remember. It doesn’t feel like it thanks to the featherbed I’ve just handed you, but in reality even the basics are out of reach for most people. All thanks to Labour, of course.

“Anyway, get off with you, you scamps. Just don’t forget my immense generosity when the election rolls around.”

Dune, Breaking Bad, and other works that are basically racism against bald people

THE hair-deprived are often demonised in fiction just as they are in real life. Here are the works which unjustly paint the bald as irredeemable villains.

Dune

Dune is a mythic tale of moral complexity where an individual’s virtue can turn on a dime. Unless you’ve got a smooth, shiny head, because that means you’re unquestionably a baddie. How do we know Austin Butler’s character is evil? Bald. Dave Bautista? Slaphead. Stellan Skarsgård? Cueball. They had hair in the book, so this is an unnecessary attack on the hairless.

Breaking Bad

Sure, Walter White kills a couple of dudes while he still has hair but he only goes full psycho after he shaves his head. To be fair, he did that due to the side effects of chemotherapy, but he maintained the bald look after being told he was in remission, and continued killing people, so the producers clearly wanted to play up the unproven link between having dubious moral values and no hair.

Despicable Me

Gru’s lack of hair is a crucial part of his supervillain image, to the point where he is also known as ‘the Bald Terror’. However, he does have a redemption arc over the film series, which surely proves that a lack of hair does not automatically consign you to being evil forever. Plus he’s the boss of the Minions, who are also quite bald, but unquestionably cute.

Harry Potter

Psychopathic, power-hungry Muggle-hater Lord Voldemort could not be more evil, or more bald, if he tried. To such an extent that his nose holes have closed over, lest a stray hair attempts to escape. Harry, Ron and Hermione, on the other hand, all have lustrous heads of youthful hair. So it’s not only an attack on the follicly challenged, but also ageism. Disgraceful.

Hitman

Agent 47 carries two guns, barely speaks, and he’s got a barcode on the back of his neck. But what really seals the deal that he’s an emotionless killing machine? His total lack of hair. Though, in fairness, he might not be able to pull off the whole monotone brooding assassin thing if he had a mullet or a box fade.

Austin Powers

It makes sense that Dr. Evil is evil and a doctor. But nothing in his name necessitates his baldness. Yes, he’s based on Blofeld from James Bond, but several actors have played that part and not all of them were bald. Why didn’t Mike Myers base Dr. Evil on Charles Gray’s silver-haired version from the 1971 Diamonds are Forever? Prejudice. That’s why.

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