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Six other things that are now safe because I signed a treaty, by James Cleverly

RWANDA is now perfectly safe for migrants because I, James Cleverly, signed something saying so. And, drunk with power, I also declare these activities safe forever:

Base jumping

Throwing yourself off a Dubai skyscraper, with a window of seconds to open your parachute, where any unexpected variable could lead to you crashing down to a gruesome death? Safe now. I signed a thing. I’m doing one next Tuesday in a wingsuit, which the experts said was suicide until they saw my piece of paper. Then they went quiet.

Heroin

Shoot ’em if you got ’em, smackheads, because your opiate-derived drug of choice is now safe as f**k. And I’m not just talking end user. The entire supply chain, from the poppy fields of Laos to the smugglers bringing it in, is now completely free of risk because of a visionary new paper I signed saying so. I’m jacking up right now. Why not?

Top Gear

Time to switch into reverse, BBC, because Top Gear is now absolutely, incontrovertibly safe. All crashes will see a much-loved TV presenter stagger away unharmed with a thumbs-up to camera, even if it’s a 1998 Ford Fiesta driven seatbelt-free out of a Shard penthouse. My apologies to Freddie Flintoff. I honestly didn’t realise I could do this.

Crossing the channel in a small boat

We Tories have nothing against migrants but hate to see them forced into dangerous trafficking, which is why we came up with the whole Rwanda idea to put them off. But it’s occurred to me I can just cut out the middleman and make the small boats safe! It’s brilliant. No, wait, I’m being told very firmly not to do this. Forget this one.

Every marginal seat

From my own seat of Braintree to the Red Wall, every single marginal seat held by a Tory is now a safe seat. Re-election is guaranteed. You don’t even have to campaign, just turn up on election night to enjoy the win. I am going to be bought a shit-ton of drinks in the Tea Room tonight.

Leaving the TV plug turned on overnight

I won’t lie, I’m running out of things to make safe. My mum always told me you should turn off the plug that the telly’s on overnight or it might burst into flames and burn the house down. Well now it won’t. Not that I ever actually did it anyway. Man, the world’s so boring now I’ve made it all safe. It’s tough being a god.

Seven ways the over-30s will attempt to use 'rizz' and f**k it up this week

‘RIZZ’, meaning charisma or attractiveness, is the Oxford University Press word of the year. Which poses the risk of old people like you using it. Here’s how you’ll get it wrong. 

‘You’ve got mad rizz’

Saying someone has rizz is to compliment them on their charm or charisma. But you should just say ‘You are charming and charismatic’. Because you’re old. You probably remember Hitler and knights.

‘That is so rizz of you’

Now you’re just shoehorning it into a statement to describe someone doing pretty much anything. It loses any meaning if you say things like ‘That cheese on toast was rizz’.

‘I’m going to rizz’

No, rizz is a noun, albeit a bullshit one. If you intend to look good, say something like ‘I’ll get dressed up’. Also it could be misheard as ‘jizz’, which is a strange thing to tell someone outside very specific situations. A fail on all levels.

‘Chicks dig the rizz’

No. You have just created a hideous Frankenstein’s phrase of contemporary and 1960s slang. You’ll be saying ‘Don’t bogart the doobie, fam’ next.

‘How are my rizz levels?’

Asking someone to evaluate your charisma and attractiveness instantly makes you as cool as a grandad dancing to Yes Sir, I Can Boogie at a wedding. Although dancing pensioners are endearing in their own way. You’re not endearing, you’re just sad and impressionable. 

‘My rizz is on point tonight’

No, it’s not. You’re wearing a boring M&S shirt you’ve had for ten years and novelty socks you got two Christmases ago. At least you’re not wearing your REM tour t-shirt from 1991, but it’s not rizz.

‘Fo rizzel my nizzel’

Okay, stop right there. You don’t understand the word ‘rizz’ and you’re rapidly heading into offensive territory. Accept your spiritual home is B&Q now, and the coolest you’ll ever be is knowing Billie Eilish is a different person to Billie Piper.

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