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Labour to give employees shares in company they f**king hate

LABOUR have announced their new policy to give all employees shares in the businesses they work for, despise and want to see destroyed. 

The scheme would mean that employees now had a personal stake in the success of employers who they constantly cheat and steal from, and has been greeted with widespread revulsion. 

Office manager Martin Bishop said: “Own it? I don’t want to own any of this fucking place. Unless I get to burn my bit and urinate on the ashes. 

“Motivate me? Christ, the shithead decisions they make now make me absolutely furious. Imagine how much more angry I’ll be when they’re doing it to my bloody company.” 

Barista Carolyn Ryan agreed: “So when I spend half-an-hour closing up unpaid that’s… good? Because the company makes more money and I’m the company? 

“I can’t go down that road. Before you know it I’ll be deliberately getting customers’ names right. And their orders. 

“Better we keep our relationship of mutual loathing and exploitation the way it is. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to break the expresso machine.” 

Are you a creepy older guy in a nightclub?

WITH a trendy haircut and trainers it’s quite easy to believe you’re in your twenties, but are you actually that older creepy guy in the nightclub? Take our test to find out.

Dancing

A)   Are you just jumping around feeling a mixture of elation and self-consciousness? 

B)   Are you sweating heavily and dancing with a stunned grin in your face while groups of girls keep edging away from you?

Clothing

A)    Edgy minimalist streetwear?  

B)   Debenhams’ own brand ‘Casual Club’ jeans and slightly shiny ‘going out shirt’?

Drinks

A)    Did you get drunk at home for financial reasons and are now trying to make one rum and coke last the entire night?

B)   Have you just bought ten people you don’t know shots, in a desperate attempt to attach to yourself to the group so you can talk to one of the female members?

Friends

A)    Are you out with your mates but constantly checking your phone?

B)   Are you out alone or just with one other guy who is wearing a Barbour jacket and keeps yawning?

Romance

A)    Are you looking at that one girl you’ve seen in the club for the last four weeks but still haven’t spoken to? 

B)   Are you wandering round thinking that you fancy every woman in the club?  

Mostly As – Congratulations, you are young. If you play your cards right this expensive horror could all end in your mid-thirties.

Mostly Bs – You are now a ‘Stevie Trousers’ the name given to men in their forties and beyond frequenting nightclubs. And yes, discussing mortgage deals, school catchments and the reasons you ended up choosing a Volvo with single females will get you laid. 

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