A PENSIONER who was unsure if he was going to vote Conservative has been won over by the prospect of young people getting riddled with bullets.
76-year-old Roy Hobbs was considering sitting this election out until the Conservatives launched a policy which appeals to both his sentimental nostalgia for the past and his desire for teenagers to be blasted to bits with guns.
He said: “Mandatory national service? An emphasis on funnelling young people into the military? Hand me my ballot paper now, I’m ready to vote for Rishi.
“I don’t know why they’re bothering with the Triple Lock Plus pension to be honest. They had me at ‘we will force kids to undergo a hardship which you never had to endure yet still feel weirdly proud about.’ They didn’t need to say anything else.
“It probably won’t be boring national service either like polishing tanks or aimlessly marching around airfields. The world’s on a knife edge at the minute so there’s a real chance they could be sent off to an actual war in wholesale numbers. Fingers crossed!
“The only way it could be improved is if it was slightly racist in some way. Although I’m sure Reform UK is working on that in an effort to steal my vote.”
