A MAN has received a text message from his mother at the midpoint of a furious masturbatory frenzy.

30-year-old Stephen Malley had retired to the privacy of his bedroom to complete a spot of bank holiday onanism when a text alert unexpectedly popped up over a particularly choice hardcore video.

Malley said: “The last thing you want to see, member-in-hand, is a text preview of your Mum with a beaming grin holding a Pina Colada on her last cruise.

“The moment was ruined. And she’s not getting any younger, so I had to stop myself to see what she wanted. Every other message is about how another relative has died, that or she needs logging back onto her Wi-Fi.”

“This time it was to remind me about my stepsister’s 40th, which was awkward because the video had a stepsister theme. That’s not what I’m into, it was just a good video.

“I tossed off a quick reply – sorry, wrong choice of words – but it took me a good two minutes to regroup, get the blood back in it and finish the job. And if I’m honest the shine had gone off it somewhat. You know? The spontaneity?”

He added: “Then, in the post-wank slump of shame, she sent another text asking if I wanted my primary school reports and swimming badges because she was clearing out the loft.”