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'I have a very particular set of skills which I refuse to use in protest': Six classic movie lines adapted for striking firearms officers

FIREARMS officer for the Met police? Downed tools in protest at the threat of possible consequences? Favourite movie lines not quite fitting any more? Try these: 

‘I’m too old to be charged with murder or manslaughter for this shit’ 

Firearms officers do not consider themselves to be too old to continue doing the job they love, but they firmly believe they should be free of consequences. Hence their adaptation of this classic Lethal Weapon line to suit the injustice of their current circumstances.

‘I have a particular set of skills which I refuse to use in protest’ 

It’s not easy to know exactly when to shoulder your firearm, aim and fire before discovering it was the wrong man and he wasn’t armed. It takes years of training to develop that very particular set of skills of which London has now been deprived.

‘Do you feel lucky, punk? Because you very much are, congratulations’ 

Harry Callahan’s classic line is now delivered to psychopaths with a light, breezy, forgiving air, because police unwilling to risk being tried for unlawful shooting certainly aren’t going to risk their lives if said punk might have a gun.

‘Yippie-ki-yay and on your way, motherf**ker’ 

Combining Die Hard and Dixon of Dock Green, firearms officers miffed at the suggestion they might not have an unlimited licence to kill revert to being good old British bobbies, patting gang members on the head and bidding them safely home.

‘Say hello to my little friend, via Zoom’ 

Unable to bring the Heckler & Kochs they love out on patrol, bereft firearms officer are forced to show them to criminals via video calls to their secure locations. Both sides agree that a firefight would have been great and anyone shot by police would certainly deserve it.

‘In this world there’s two kinds of people, my friend: those with loaded guns and those who are backed by the home secretary when taking strike action after a murder.’ 

Adapting the classic quote from The Good, The Bad and The Ugly to reflect the current realities of Britain, firearms officer are confident they’ll soon be able to pack heat now Suella has intervened. While also warning her to drive carefully if she doesn’t want to catch a stray round.

Metallica and other bands that are way better as T-shirts

THEIR music is an acquired taste, but their faded logo kicks ass when worn with a light cardigan, pashmina or shawl. These bands should have stuck to merch: 

Metallica

To teenagers, this give vibes of being into some crazy shit. Skulls, demons, snakes, weird shamanic stuff, spunk on a slide: perfect for the teen trying to establish an edgelord persona. Or they would be if your driving instructor didn’t also wear a Metallica T-shirt and the subsequent conversation hadn’t exposed your ignorance.

The Stone Roses

As a band, they had one good album and even that goes on a bit. The T‑shirts, however, are superb. Both the one with the lemon and the one with the Jackson Pollock‑ish drip painting are only spoiled only by their association with drunk middle-aged Mancunians wearing bucket hats bellowing I Am The Resurrection to the whole beer garden.

Led Zeppelin

The Hindenburg disaster was a horrific tragedy but also spectacular and a bit Nazi, so morally that balances and there’s no issue putting it on a T-shirt. But in lionising the transgressive, thrilling Led Zep we forget the band were so into Lord of the Rings they wrote multiple songs about it. Hobbits aren’t cool.

Eminem

Very much a statement tee, the statement being ‘I am white and like hip hop’, but fair enough, people need to be warned. Eminem himself is well into middle-age, collaborating with Ed Sheeran, staying clean, an aging, jowly dad rapping Lose Yourself to festival audiences less enthusiastically than your dad rapping it on the school run.

Kiss

How Kiss sound versus how they look is one of music’s greatest disappointments. The Kabuki make‑up, the Hellraiser costumes, the satanic imagery, the middle-of-the-road soft rock they actually produce. They’re Slade with a better art department.

Frankie Goes To Hollywood

T-shirts: still iconic. Band: what the f**k was that? Three moustachioed Scouse lads, two outrageous gay men, three singles all of which were massive hits to a frankly suspicious degree, then they vanish? Leaving only the contradictory instructions ‘Relax!’ and ‘War!’?

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