WAS your ex the best thing that ever happened to you, or has it just been a few days since you rubbed one out? Find out with our quiz.
How long has it been since they dumped you?
A) Mere minutes. Apparently it wasn’t me, it was them, but also they said I was too needy. They said they still want to be friends though, which is some consolation. Unless they were lying.
B) About a week. I’ve been so busy in all that time I’ve barely had five minutes to myself. Luckily my pent-up sex drive is distracting me from my heartbreak.
Been getting any in the meantime?
A) No, and why would I? My ex was the perfect person and nobody will ever compare to them. Maybe I should send them a grovelling text, that might fix everything.
B) I wish. And not because I’m hung up on what’s-their-name. I’ve just forgotten how to flirt and am deeply unattractive. Which is a shame because I really fancy a shag.
What’s your browser history looking like?
A) Oh you know, the usual in the aftermath of a breakup. Pages and pages of my ex’s photos on social media, and the odd profile I’ve stalked to see if anyone else is moving in on them yet.
B) Er, I don’t know. My computer was in incognito mode so it didn’t record it. Rest assured it was just wholesome stuff like researching birthday presents for my mum. No porn here, no siree.
What reminds you of your ex?
A) Everything. They were my world. Even seemingly unrelated things can be traced back to them by a convoluted string of associations. It’s a pain that will last forever. If I were musically talented I could spin this agony into an album.
B) Sex. It was this thing we used to do together every now and then. It was pretty good while it lasted and now it’s over. Someone else will come along though, I’m sure. We’re all horny as rabbits after all.
What did you actually like about your ex?
A) The way they treated me like an option. The cruel laugh they would let out whenever I made a mistake. You don’t come across a catch like that every day.
B) Their sexy body. It was very sexy and I liked having sex with it. How come other people are having sex and I’m not? It’s not fair.
ANSWERS
Mostly As: For some reason you’re hung up on your ex, even though they sound bloody awful. It’s time to cut your losses, bin everything that reminds you of them, and get yourself back out there. Either that or treat yourself to a crafty wank. Both will make you feel better.
Mostly Bs: Do you even remember what your ex was called? Can you recall what they looked like, or has your brain just hung on to how their genitals felt? Probably not, because it sounds like you’re just gasping for a bang. Luckily, unlike emotional turmoil, this can be fixed in five minutes using just your hand.
