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How much of a twat do you have to be for your bank to hate you?

FORMER UKIP leader Nigel Farage has confirmed he is exploring bold new frontiers of twatdom by being so much of a twat even his bank hates him.

Farage, the man who brought us Brexit and now does not even like it, had his account closed by Coutts because he is so loathsome that even bankers specialising in the extremely wealthy cannot bear him.

He said: “You wouldn’t believe who’s a Coutts customer. Prince Andrew for one.

“Its policy of only offering accounts to high net-worth individuals means it caters to the crème de la scum of British society. People so venal and money-obsessed they’ve done nothing but f**k over decent people their entire lives.

“So for them to say my ‘commentary and behaviours… do not align with the bank’s purpose and values’ means I am a leader in abhorrence. To be rejected by these people is a badge of negative honour that puts me up there with despots.

“It just goes to show that I, and the other vile, insufferable pricks like me, are the real persecuted minorities in society. Not foreigners or the poor or any of that rabble.

“Catch me on GB News tonight, where I will once again be pushing the envelope of arseholism. 7pm, followed by Jacob Rees-Mogg and the execrable Dan Wooton.”

Middle-class couple in Sardinia cooking huevos rancheros on pavement

MIDDLE-CLASS holidaymakers in Sardinia are cooking huevos rancheros on the baking-hot tiles outside their villa, it has emerged.

Britons whose term-time sojourns on the Italian island have been so gracelessly interrupted by the 48º heat – even though they personally are against climate change – are compensating by using the floor to cook up a simple Mexican breakfast dish.

Julian Cook, who is in Isola Rossa for a fortnight, said: “Rather than let the heat be oppressive, we thought why not have a little fun with it?

“So we hung corn tortillas over the railings to char and fried the eggs in a little olive oil we bought from a marvellous local man just down the road, topped it with a homemade pico de gallo and served with sliced avocado. And you know, it was absolutely delicious.

“There really is nothing like fresh eggs cooked using nothing but the heat of the sun on your own terracotta. It’s so wonderfully sustainable and you’d swear you can taste it.

“This evening we’re doing a frittata with green peppers, local chillies and goat’s cheese. Mmm. Perhaps we’ll print up a little cookbook.

“Obviously some Brits are finding the heat in Europe too much, but never underestimate the middle-class ability to immerse ourselves in a foreign culture. Then wank on about it.”

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