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Airline pilot, firefighter, football referee: five jobs that make men insecure when done by women

EVEN in 2023 there are some jobs so male-dominated that seeing a woman do them can shatter masculine self-confidence. Like these:

Airline pilot

When a female voice comes over the tannoy, all the men on board expect it to be a flight attendant about to fill them in on the fabulous selection of discounted fragrances that are available. So when she identifies herself as the captain, there will be a sharp intake of breath and some muttering about female drivers, until their partners remind them they scraped two panels of the car on the gate last week so shut the f**k up.

Firefighter

Some mentally and emotionally fragile men would claim they’d rather perish from smoke inhalation than be carried from a burning building by a woman. However, deep in their hearts they also crave to be rescued by a brave, strong female in a fireproof suit. The resulting confusion makes them aroused, guilty, and angry, which they cover up with mockery. Men are complicated, bless them.

Football referee

Aside from female pundits, nothing riles up a man who has made football his whole personality more than a female referee. Regardless of the fact that women are just as able to run up and down the pitch keeping an eye on the game as well as a man, it’s just not a woman’s place. Not that the kind of guy who hates them knows anything about women. He’s never had a girlfriend, after all.

Plumber

Is it more emasculating for a man who can’t fix something in his house to have another man come and do it, or a woman? Hard to say, but if the plumber turns out to be female, he’ll definitely make a lame joke about women being good plumbers because they like to bring up shit from the past. She won’t laugh but will ask where the stopcock is. He won’t know, and will feel his penis shrivel right up inside him when she sighs at his patheticness.

Mechanic

A lot of men believe cars are inherently masculine, so when they turn up to have their brake pads changed and it’s a bird doing the job, they’re convinced she won’t have a clue what she’s doing. However, given that she’s the one who runs a garage and he wouldn’t be able to replace a wiper blade if someone held a gun to his head, he should swallow his pride and accept being overcharged in the name of equality.

Six sexual experiences you'd rather not be told about

FRIENDS, colleagues and strangers have the odd urge to tell you about grim incidents in their sex lives. Here are some you wish they wouldn’t corner you with in the office kitchen:

‘I shagged a right minger…’

Did you, Darren from sales? What’s worse, a barrage of sexism that even laddier colleagues are uneasy about, or the actual details? Darren is quite upfront about having pulled a ‘dog’ at Zanzibar’s, whose body shape enabled him to ‘slap the fat and ride the ripples’. Perhaps the oddest thing is that Darren thinks you’re impressed.

Sex-related dilemmas

Usually takes the form: ‘My boyfriend is into X which I’m not into’. X can be anything from talking dirty to urophagia. If you don’t know, don’t look it up. There’s an obvious solution, but you don’t want the responsibility of them dying lonely and alone. Also, said boyfriend might be wonderful in every way apart from confusing his knob’s two major functions.

Sexual injuries

‘And strips of skin were hanging right off it’ isn’t really small talk. But Gary feels it’s fine to share his horrific MDMA-fuelled sex injury at work. You’d worry about word getting around and affecting your promotion prospects or general employability, so not only has Gary put you off your bacon-and-brie wrap, you now feel like the office prude.

Spunk in the eye and other mishaps

Why are you telling me this? Are you coming on to me in some misguided way? If you want practical advice here you go: wear a pair of safety goggles while performing fellatio. Try the B&Q website. Sorry, but that’s all you can really contribute to this conversation.

Mad relationship revenge stuff

‘I was sure Steve was shagging this woman at work.’ This sounds as if it won’t end well, Suze, but go on. ‘So I burnt all his clothes on the barbecue, took a shit in his car and called Crimestoppers and dobbed him in as a paedo. The police turned up at his work.’ Er, okay. Next time you want approval for your deranged behaviour, ask a psychopath.

Sexual incompetence

You’re not the greatest lover of all time, but you’ve got a rough idea of acceptable bedroom behaviour. Not so your mate Dave: ‘We’d not had sex before, but she got funny when I asked about the back door.’ F**k’s sake, Dave, have you any basic idea about what women think about sex? About anything? Did you get your girlfriend Warhammer for her birthday? You did? Right. Not just sex then.

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