PRESIDENT Trump has promised that in the event of any military action against British forces in Ukraine, he will hold the prime minister’s jacket. 

The president gave categorical assurances that he will take the Savile Row tailored-item, complete with discreet ‘Property of Lord Alli’ tag, and keep it secure if the UK, EU and Russia get into it.

He said: “Such a beautiful jacket. Lined in mulberry silk. It would be nasty to let anything happen to it.

“He asked, he pushed very hard, for some commitment to holding him back to delay the fight a little bit, which is very smart. It’s a smart tactic. I said no.

“The other guy, Putin, he’ll tear his top off anyway, really a magnificent torso, so no commitment to coat-holding there. Biden couldn’t undo his own shirt buttons. So terrible.”

Starmer said: “A jacket would only encumber me, so this offer really shows the Special Relationship has never been stronger.

“I asked if he could refrain from cheering for the other side. We’re yet to reach agreement on that.”