AS Labour MP Andrew Gwynne discovered, every WhatsApp group is a ticking time bomb of kompromat. Here’s how yours will lead to your eventual dismissal.
You’ve been in it since your 20s
Everyone says dumb shit in their 20s. But previous generations didn’t record every moment of their youthful idiocy in a permanent digital archive which has silent members you’ve forgotten exist. Future generations will save their edgy humour for the pub because they’ve learned from your example.
It’s got an transgressive name
Journalists love dirt, and a WhatsApp group called Trigger Me Timbers only makes their job easier. To protect yourself, only exchange incriminating banter in groups with innocuous names like Mum’s Birthday Drinks or Summer Holiday 2025 Plans. Nobody will be bothered to read that dull bullshit.
The worst people in existence set up WhatsApp groups
WhatsApp groups are only as bad as their members. But only complete tossers set them up so that they can digitally hold court with their helpless captives, so you’re f**ked. You could quietly leave, but that opens you up to merciless slagging off from those remaining. Instead you have no choice but to go along with career-destroying chat.
You made some heinous jokes
One could be a misjudgement, but your WhatsApp history is an extensive catalogue of racist, ageist and homophobic gags made to win favour from arseholes. Unless your boss is a total legend who told you the jokes in the first place, it’s time to update your LinkedIn.
You didn’t regularly delete
IT types bang on about backing everything up, but regularly deleting your chat history is even more vital. If you don’t purge your comments on an hourly basis, you’re at risk of hackers accurately reporting what you’ve said to your boss. Being rich enough to throw a phone away like Boris Johnson before a Covid inquiry also works.
You’re in a respectable job funded by taxpayers
WhatsApp groups don’t pose a job-ending threat if you’re stacking shelves in a supermarket. But if you’re in the public eye, salary paid by taxpayers? How have you got there while remaining unfamiliar with the concept of a ‘scandal’? Keep your aspirations low and you can exchange as many problematic memes with your mates as you like.
