subscribe
/ Sign Out

Why I'm disappointed you were so basic as to go for a blonde with big boobs, by your ex

By Nikki Hollis, brunette with B-cups you said were ‘perfect’

WELL. You moved on fast. 16 months after we split and you’re showing off your new tart on your Instagram stories, knowing I’d see it all using my burner account. 

Flaunting her big, jiggly jugs right under everyone’s nose. You’ve really shown yourself up here. I’m embarrassed for you.

I expected more of you, Jason. You pretended to be sophisticated, the kind of man who goes to art galleries out of choice and reads books not about murders. How does that jibe with your newly-revealed preference for large melons?

It seems you’re not man enough to handle a real woman with modest bosoms, her own opinions and emotions and the confidence to phone you at 3am to express them.

You’ve outed yourself as a shallow creep, ruled by the demands of your undersized member, who does not see women as individuals but only as shiny hair, pouty lips and what even I must admit is a cracking pair.

Her claims to have gone to Oxford are risible. Her only qualifications are a pair of massive mammaries as fake as her LinkedIn profile. You’re ‘in love’ with two bags of silicon – honestly, just paint a face on a fleshlight and be done with it, Jase.

Why pretend to be a liberal aesthete when you’ve got the sexual predilections of a cab driver? Of a Sun reader? Of an EDL rioter with a ‘free Tommy Robinson’ banner? Because that’s what you’ve outed yourself as with your tawdry working-class big tit obsession.

You’ll get bored of humungous honkers and all-exclusives in Benidorm eventually. No man can truly enjoy those for long. Enjoy your blow-up sex doll, Sophie Natalia Anna Rodriguez of 28 Church Drive, for now. It won’t last.

But I’ll never forgive you for stealing my youth. Well, eight months of it.

'Their bodies come pre-ruined': why gorgeous celebrities must use normal women as surrogates

LILY Collins has welcomed her first baby by the popular route of getting someone else to do the difficult bit. This is why she, and other celebrities, are justified in doing so: 

They’re very busy

Unlike normal women, famous women work. Whether shooting a film, promoting a film, consulting on a lifestyle range or detoxifying their social media brand presence, finding time to conceive or gestate a child is near impossible. And wombs are so evenly distributed among those with no other real skills.

Their bodies are important

Not every woman has a body that matters, much less one which is constantly monitored for imperfections by tabloid journalists and their invaluable helpers, every single person on social media. Some women’s bodies already look like they’ve given birth even when they haven’t. Why shouldn’t they be paid for it?

Motherhood is every woman’s right

Are the stars not human? If you cut them, do they not bleed? Why should they be denied the right to motherhood simply because if they put on eight pounds they will be blacklisted from a Hollywood still tacitly following Harvey Weinstein’s rules? By employing another to carry their child, are they not doubling the benefits of motherhood?

Unspecified medical reasons

The bodies of the rich and famous are their own, and they do not have to share every detail with the public unless it can be suitably monetised. So when Paris Hilton asks us not to question her use of a surrogate it is our duty to turn away from such intrusive interrogation and instead ask if she has had work done.

Think of their sacrifices

The potential sexy pregnancy shoot, the reality show dividends, a maternity clothing brand deal; the opportunities being spurned are endless. This pregnancy could have made headlines for months. Instead, a woman who must remain anonymous is doing it all for simple cash, though not really that much. Is Lucy Liu not the injured party here?

Remember the Virgin Mary

The original surrogate, and a style icon of her era, Mary was blessed by the Lord and allowed to carry His son. Why should Amber Heard not honour lesser women in much the same way?

Next story ›