ASKED to do something at work, which is really unfair considering the weekend you’ve had? Determined to lower expectations? Try these simple techniques:
Feign ignorance of Word
Your boss has sent you a 200-page document and asked you to proofread it, which is basically an admission she’s not done her job properly. Gaze in slack-jawed bewilderment at your screen, asking how ‘this miraculous cascade of words was ever wrangled’. Lose the cursor frequently. They may print it off, but more likely it’ll get handed to an intern.
Go to the toilet nine times an hour
‘Excuse me, I need to visit the toilet’ is a request no manager can deny. When made politely but with worrying frequency they’ll have no option but to assume you very ill, bravely soldiering on, possibly extremely contagious. Working from home? Leave the camera trained on the bathroom door, ominously. Yelp for effect.
Give yourself ‘situational dyslexia’
A genuine learning disability would be annoying and inconvenient. Diagnosing yourself with one that only flares up when you’re asked to check a Powerpoint? Bulletproof. It’s intermittent, which is why you read the Christmas party invite in seconds but Jan’s email about ‘financially-evidenced client engagement portfolio’ is illegible to you.
Be in meetings while in meetings
Meetings are an old excuse. But meetings on meetings on meetings? Sitting in a meeting, on Teams, telling the person on screen you’re in a meeting then switching to another meeting and then another meeting before looking up to the meeting you’re physically in and asking if they mind if your other meeting comes in here? Impregnable.
Start a GoFundMe
Don’t be specific. Just say that you hate to ask for money but your situation leaves you no choice and unless you hit the target by Friday that will unfortunately be it. Nobody will want to ask, a rumour you’re dying will grip the office, and asking you to digitise VAT receipts will seem crass and insensitive. You’ll live, but the work will miraculously have been done.
Delegate infinitely
Your boss says you need managerial experience? What’s more managerial than getting other people to do your work? Delegate everything. Delegate your delegation. There’s no job to small for you to pass on to others. You’ll be pleasantly surprised by how many requests are solved by the person involved doing it for them-f**king-selves.
