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Office worker can't remember how to pretend to be productive

AN office worker is struggling to remember how to look busy while accomplishing nothing after four days of total leisure. 

Returning to his desk after the Easter weekend, white collar drone Martin Bishop is finding it hard to recall how he passed days mindlessly clicking through tabs on his computer for eight hours and quietly nodding along in meetings.

Bishop said: “Do I vacantly scroll through my inbox before or after staring at a spreadsheet I don’t understand? I forget.

“You know how it is. A long weekend of rising late, pub visits and pissing about on your phone, and you can’t remember how to drag out a single email over a whole morning or how many 20-minute toilet breaks you can take.

“I managed to kill most of the morning with small talk about what I got up to over Easter – that in-person office collaboration all the WFH-haters love – but that’s done. Now I need to knuckle down to some serious procrastination.

“If I’m not careful I might blow my cover by actually getting something done, which would set a worrying precedent of my abilities going forwards.”

Bishop’s line manager Tom Logan said: “As a lazy f**ker who puts in a 40-hour week delegating jobs to my underlings, I feel Martin’s pain.”

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Pope Francis – how does he rank against your personal top ten Popes?

THE world is mourning Pope Francis, but how does he stand up against your own top ten pontiffs? We check the rankings: 

TEN

Leo I, 440-461

Also known as Leo the Great, he famously persuaded Attila the Hun to turn back from invading Italy with the words ‘Leave it Attila, it’s not worth it. I’ll get the beers in.’

NINE

Symmachus, 498-514

The Pope who triumphed over Antipope Laurentius in an epic battle that devastated Rome, with both contenders wearing immense white marble mecha-suits to punch it out. The remains of these are the Pantheon and Colosseum.

EIGHT

Urban V, 1088-1099

The first black Pope and founder of the MOBO awards, Urban brought a relaxed vibe to the Vatican and instigated chill-out Sundays. Successors made any work on the Sabbath a sin, which was never his intention.

SEVEN

Stephen II, 752-757

The first working-class Pope, Stephen smoked heavily, spent much of his papacy working on ox-carts and established the Catholic Church as a lads-only endeavour. Liked a pint.

SIX

Sylvester I, 314-335

The disco Pope, Sylvester baptised Emperor Constantine and made Rome the home of the Catholic church to the disappointment of many who had favoured Reading.

FIVE

John Paul II, 1978-2005

Quickly brought in to succeed John Paul I after he performed badly at test masses, JPII was the post-punk Pope par excellence and brought down communism by vaguely saying it was bad. Kissed runways, passionately.

FOUR

Francis, 2013-2025

The first Pope from the Southern hemisphere, the first born and raised outside Europe and the first Francis, his achievements were many and we all know them by heart. So no need to list them.

THREE

Leo X, 1513-1531

The party Pope and founder of the modern Mafia, Leo wasn’t much of a Catholic because he thought it was largely nonsense. Steered the church towards the huge profits and ostentatious wealth it still enjoys today. Gay but not out.

TWO

Julius II, the Warrior Pope, 1503-1513

Well up for it, Julius strapped on custom-made papal armour with a flaming halo and rode to battle against his enemies. The impression of his ring was left on many an opponent’s chin. Made South America Catholic. Had drunken fistfights with Michelangelo.

ONE

St Peter, 30-64

The original and best. Close personal friend of Christ and one of the Twelve Apostles so able to settle any ecumenical discussion with ‘Yeah, pretty sure Jesus told me the opposite mate.’ Got crucified himself just to settle the matter.

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