Society

NOBODY could have reasonably predicted that somebody would want to have sex with Karen Matthews, according to a new report.

THE World Cup has seen a sharp rise in the number of people bringing their vuvuzelas to work with them.

A CUT in public sector pensions will lead to lots of decrepit leftists singing U2 songs in tube stations to make ends meet, it was warned last night.

THE 17 year-old winner of The Junior Apprentice has been urged to grab a two litre bottle of cider and a copy of Porky's, the 1980s high school romp, before he turns into an irretrievable tosspot.

OVER half of Britain's office workers are tedious sods playing the martyr to make everyone else look bad.

EXPECTANT women are to be labelled to avoid embarrassing confusion with the fat ones, it has been confirmed.

THE government is to cut the number of immigrants applying for UK citizenship by teaching them how to read the Daily Mail, it has been confirmed.

TEENAGE boys are increasingly overweight because they no longer need to go outside to find explicit pornography, according to new research.

PEOPLE who own the out of date iPhone will be forced to sit at the back of the bus, it emerged last night.

THE bastard inventors of 'moobs' are working on names for your other fat bits, it has been confirmed.