Society

THE primary school headteacher on £270,000 a year is devoting much of his spare time to rubbing his doctor's nose right in it.

PRIVATE skank academies are under pressure to admit more budding footballer semen receptacles from low-income families.

RAOUL Moat was executed on behalf of a group of Tory billionaire businessmen whose names you will never know, it was claimed last night.

HOUSES, for so long the friends of mankind, have finally turned against their masters, according to the latest property market survey.

MEN who surreptitiously leer at attractive women must 'come out', it was claimed last night.

RESIDENTS in Rothbury have asked armed police if one of them has a minute to take down Sky's Kay Burley.

A RECORD number of UK families can't afford to buy all the shit they want, it emerged last night.

THOUSANDS of schools across Britain are to be replaced with an iPhone app costing just 99p.

INFANTS are finding it difficult to cope with their middle class parents' tedious angst about their careers and 'creative space', it was claimed last night.

THE BT adverts featuring that bastard couple are causing Britain's average IQ to fall off a cliff, according to new research.