Society

DAILY Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn was in the throes of a powerful erection today as millions of people subjected him to a fresh batch of hate.  

FRUIT picked by northern people would have to be washed at least three times, southern people said last night.

SIMON Cowell has announced early release for prisoners who pledge to buy One Direction's debut CD, as he begins to overhaul Britain's statute book.

A MASSIVE, countrywide fist fight could be the solution to Britain's problems, experts believe.

BRITAIN is to abolish its 900 year-old university system after finally realising it is a complete waste of everyone's time.

PHOTOS of an obese cat in the throes of an endearing fatal heart attack have proved a huge hit on social media.

POLICE are stopping disproportionate numbers of ethnic minorities purely so that they can act 'street', it has emerged.

A PROGRAMME of paid sterilisation is to be extended to people who are still watching Glee.

PRINCE William has fuelled speculation that an official Royal dumping could come as early as next February.

AS Christmas menus appear in offices across the country, Britain's workers are facing up to another festive evening of compulsory enjoyment.