Society

THE first television advert for abortion advice has done exactly what it was supposed to do, the Advertising Standards Authority has confirmed.

BRISTOL Palin is the daughter of her ex-fianceé Levi Johnston, it has emerged.

THE new maze in London's Trafalgar Square will include some areas that have not been occupied by a foul-mouthed, Glaswegian vagrant, officials have pledged.

CONSUMERS should be able to choose whether or not they want to buy a useless, second-hand car and leave it rusting in their driveway, a crazy right-wing think tank has claimed.

MEN who own pitbulls could be sterilised by their own pets, according to new research.

AN East Sussex vicar has been found guilty of worshipping a bogus deity for the last four years.

HEALTH professionals should tell patients they are 'nutjobs' rather than 'Daily Mail readers', the public health minister has claimed.

BRITISH Muslim women should trade their Burkas for the jeans, blazers and incongruous hair favoured by the hosts of Top Gear, it was claimed last night.

BRITAIN'S craziest, half-blind, octogenarian heart surgeon was looking forward to returning to work last night after the government abolished retirement.

BRITAIN'S experiment with 24-hour drinking would have succeeded if the country was not filled to the brim with the worst people in the world, it was claimed last night.