FAT, happy children who eat pizza do not waste time asking annoying, smart-arse questions, research has discovered.
Children who consume a healthy diet of fatty ultra-processed food are quieter and more co-operative than mouthy, jumped-up little shits who demand to know what field their broccoli grew in.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Fat children finished their chicken drumshapes and took themselves quietly off to watch telly. Thin children followed adults around quizzing them on sustainability. I know which I’d rather have.
“Fat kids, and everyone who came into contact with them, were 95 per cent happier. Their brains beautifully uncluttered, their parents blissfully undisturbed, and everyone who saw their roly-poly majesty instantly broke into broad smiles.
“Meanwhile smart-arsed rocket-munchers filled the air with incessant ‘whys’ and ‘hows’ and grow up into unhappy, interfering, judgemental bastards who cannot shut their faces for two minutes without some opinion falling out of it like a turd.”
Teacher Julian Cook said: “I bloody love fat kids. All glassy-eyed and docile, like teaching a cow.
“Whenever I see a hand in the air I know immediately that it belongs to some rosy-cheeked, twinkly-eyed lean little f**ker who’s just had a tangerine.”
Professor Brubaker added: “The key to human existence is pizza and happiness. Not vegetables and questions.”
